Ah Yorkie. Sorry about your day. My sadness is lingering as well. Really trying to get a handle on it. Feeling a lot of shame today. I know that my H had many choices to make and ultimately he made the ones that led us here but I've also really been thinking about the choices I have made as well. Even the ones I made when I first found out about this. He stayed home for three days and I just remember that I spent that whole time trying to explain to him the error of his ways...lecturing about the things he could have done differently...talking at him. He was so quiet. I wanted him to explain the unexplainable and he could not. I invited him to talk to me and he did not trust me enough to do so. That hurts me deeply. He has hidden so much from me over the years and he tells me he tried to tell me things. I am so sad that I do not remember those attempts. I've always thought of myself as a good listener and the one person in the world, who I loved with all my heart, did not feel heard by me. I carry a lot of shame around that. And I know it takes two. I get that. But how could I miss something so fundamentally important? I'm not sure I will ever really understand. So my biggest task now is to try to come to terms with it...to own my own part...to take responsibility...and to find some peace. Funny...all this time I have been thinking about and focusing on finding a way to forgive my H but I really think the person I am struggling most to forgive is myself. Wow...this is SUCH a PAINFUL process.
