Quick recap of sitch or what I like to call "Welcome to Limbo Land"
BD Oct 17 - "I am not happy", "not sure how to be happy" "not sure we can ever change" - no real indication of what is making him unhappy. I go into survival mode, switching between "we can fix this" to "you [censored], how dare you do this to me", "I don't need your [censored], why don't you just leave" back to "I love you, we can fix this". MO Mar 18 - six months of toxic hell. He can't look at me with anything but contempt. I catch moments of sadness in his eyes. I am a shattered mess. I know with 100% certainty there was no OW. Mar - Jun 18 - Limbo. He can't look at me without sadness, guilt or contempt. He makes up for it by wanting to spend with kids. I find this difficult to take but try and keep my head up. I take it one day at a time. Slowly healing. Jul 18 - Sept 18 - starts to treat me like a person and not an alien to be avoided. Still no indication that he wants to come home. Oct 18 - Find out he is dating. Throw a massively undignified hissy fit. Might as well have stuck a sticker on my head saying Plan B. I double down on Db'g.
Now - he moves between being strangely kind (cleans my car, offers to give me lifts, offers to fix things around the house) and weird passive aggressive comments (mostly when he is suspicious of what I have been up to). I see him more often than a did before he left - though this is always to do with the children. It is never to see just me. I am not sure what the deal is with OW (I don't even think I can call her that - she was/is a distraction from his loneliness) as if he is still seeing her, it is very rare and definitely always at his beck and call.
So, a year on, and I have finally set a boundary. I sent an email earlier telling him he needs to have the girls more overnight because the current arrangement is not working for me. No response as yet. But three pics of sneakers via text and a question re which ones I'd prefer. Also, a missed call this evening (I was out having a rink with friends) which I responded to with a "Missed your call. Was it important?". He replied it was about D9's glasses, and he has just gone away and ordered them anyway, with a price. I assume he wants me to pay half. Surely that sort of thing can be dealt with via text !!!.
Where am I now. I still love him and want to R though not in the desperate way I once did. There is no talk of a D or even formalizing our S. He is still seems as confused as when he left but now seems full of guilt and not sure how to get off his current path (or even if he wants to). I am better. I have realized my worth and am getting on with my life but I am still attached to him - but am doing a good job of pretending not to be. I have a life of sorts separate to him with new friends and old ones. I am happy most of the time. I have a job I mostly like and feel appreciated and valued in and I am in the best shape of my life. I am not ready for another relationship, nor am I looking for one. But I am enjoying the company of friends (some of whom are men).
