Steve—You are absolutely correct that at the end of the day, I’m not responsible for her happiness. I do believe that she is projecting a lot on to me, and I don’t deserve that from her. Next time she tells me how unhappy she is, I should just tell her ‘if you’re so unhappy or angry, why aren’t you in front of that therapist every week or two weeks to work this out?’
No, don't say that. Your interactions with her have to be very consistent.
You DO not start conversations with her. When you are both home, do not follow her around. But be present, upbeat, happy, confident in her presence. You do not initiate conversations. When she does you listen, actively, and VALIDATE!! Go read the validation thread. Do not reason, use logic, try to change her mind, beg, cry, be sad, etc. Upbeat. Pleased. Present. Validate when she engages.
Avoid discussing the R at ALL costs. If she does bring up the R you: listen, actively, and VALIDATE!!
Originally Posted by Bo562
I’ve also been trying to work on anything ‘bad behaviors,’ or anything she claims I need to fix. But I also read on these forums that for a WW, it won’t really matter what you do, and that was apparent to me about a month ago—still not good enough in her eyes, allegedly. So I’ll fix what I reasonably can.
I think you misunderstand a bit. The point with all WASs, whether WS or not, is that you do not want to become a slave. "But I didn't do laundry, or clean the kitchen, or vacuum the floors before BD. So I want to 180 on that." The point is to do your fair share, but make her do her share. One of the best is to do your own laundry (and the kids') but not hers. Let her do her own laundry. (One point, you do not want to be passive-aggressive with any of this, so try to keep the right attitude.)
180ing on bad behavior is imperative to your sitch. FOR YOU, not for her. For instance, in my sitch I used to come home from work and I would start complaining and nitpicking. Under my breath. The NGS in me would have me acting passive-aggressively about the dishes not being done. The floors being a mess. Etc. 180s I instituted was to stop the complaining, nitpicking, and passive-aggressiveness. I started having an attitude of "if I want the dishes done, I should do them!"
180ing, is NOT turning into Mr. Mom. IE, suddenly you are doing everything for her. It is about fixing your own shortcomings, not becoming a doormat.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
