Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

It's so easy to take things for granted or fall back into old patterns, not really paying attention to what those patterns are or when they happen. Sometimes it's very draining.

You feel more comfortable in those old patterns. It takes self awareness, and also discipline, whenever we make significant changes in ourselves. I may have said this previously, but it's worth saying again. The majority of LBH's I have seen return to the board, admitted they became too comfortable or lazy, and fell back into their old ways. Plus, I think some of them were making changes just to win back their W, and once she was back......they stopped working. Much like you said about once you got married. I think it's the same type of mindset.

I've been anxious with boundaries. I've been wanting to set them just to set them because the way my mind works is that I have to have some type of action, thinking action would equal progress.

I don't think you get it, but maybe I don't understand what you mean. Do you understand the purpose of boundaries? Could you expound a little more on this, please?

When I was done reading NMMNG I went back through the chapters and table of contents looking at the topics. It covered so much. I felt like it exposed me and opened my eyes to how the world perceives these behaviors. Definitely a book to refer back to, Thanks for the recommendation Sandi.

Oh, I am so glad to hear that you read it. I hope you will keep it handy, and use like a daily manual for your life. BTW, be careful not to repeat some of the text (or message) to your WW. So many H's compelled to pass along something he reads, as if it were his own words. You know, like he reads something he wishes she would read, so he tries to work it in his conversations? Yeah, I don't suggest you do it. It's a turn off to the WW. She may be in la-la land, but she's got your number.

Never knew saying "I love you" was a covert contract, that blew my mind.

After my H discovered my A, I remember one day we were in the car when out of the blue he said, "I love you". I was so turned off b/c I knew exactly what he was doing. He was pressuring me to make me say it back, whether or not he realized it. For the first time in our MR, I did not respond. It made him angry.

In NMMNG, one of the topics was that Nice Guys never live up to their full potential. I am dealing with the resentment of this fact now and I know it's taken its toll on the MR. Watching W do well and I feel like I'm at a dead-end. I feel like I let both of us down, and when I talked to her about it, in the past she made it seem like it was okay as long as I kept trying, the money/success would come, that I'd get paid for my efforts. My own disappointment made things fizzle. That's how I see it anyways.

It can get frustrating living with a man who has NGS. I always thought my H and I were very different in our personalities and how we approached most things. I was the type to "tackle" anything and get it done, and he had to mull it over in his mind a week.....or a year. It would drive me nuts! I wanted to just screamed, "Move....just make a little movement to signal that you are still alive!" He was introverted and I was extroverted. One day we were watching tv when a commercial came on about ADD. He told me he had been that way as far back as he could remember. I was shocked, b/c I had no idea. It made so much sense for some of his ways that drove me crazy (which I will spare details). So, when you sum up the NGS (especially the passivity), an introverted personality, and ADD...….it's amazing that one of us have not killed the other. He probably mulled the idea over in his mind, but that's as far as it got.

I was mindful not to jump up and say let me see if we have something for that or do you want me to get you anything. I left it to her to fix her bubble guts. I left the room in case she found a quick way.

Good job! Absolutely, she's a big girl, she can get something for her tummy.

I see H's with NGS struggle learning how to balance some of these of new responses. They tend to go from one extreme to the other. Many of these nice guys have catered to the W so long, she sees him in a subservient role. That can kill attraction real fast. These are H's who wait hand & foot on the W, but both of them know she's not going to wait hand & foot on him! Anyway, stay balanced in this situation. If your W is too sick to get out of bed, then you can get her medicine, maybe cook her some soup. But if you are working downstairs and she's upstairs and wants you to take something to her? Use your head and stay balanced. Ask yourself why you need to stop what you are doing, go get what she wants and run it upstairs to her. What's wrong with her getter? I don't know how much you have spoiled her, but I know it can lead some women to feel and act with a sense of entitlement. On the other hand, if the family is having dinner and she asks you to pass the salt, don't tell her to get herself. See the difference?

This has nothing to do with punishment. It has two purposes. One, is linked to the NGS (which the book explains). And the other is linked to her wayward mindset. It is taking steps to break a habit of catering to a wayward W who does not appreciate nor respect you. In most cases I remember, the WW had grown to "expect" the catering. If she ends the affair and the MR is reconciled, then you can do things once in a while, like take her a cup of coffee...….as long as she is showing you pretty close to equal acts of service.

I am not saying it'll get me in good with her, but I hope in time with things happening naturally, that if I put myself in a position to do better, to also help others, that if she does notice, who knows... ( I know not to expect anything, I'm making an observation on my current situation with IHS, living together respectfully, and having opportunities to show the other person something positive, where taking an action (fixing fence) leads to something else positive ( helping brother) = how wife feel? this could be akin to action (GAL) coming home (action = not relying on W for emotional support) = how wife feel?)

Seriously?