Surrendering to grace...

[SteveLW]

paco, we all struggle with that. Find AnotherStander's timeline for the LBS (it is Ready's thread of quotes). All of us struggled with being patient. Lack of patience causes us either to pursue and pressure, which results in the WAS leaving even faster. Or to pull the trigger on D ourselves.

Obviously, we will all come to a point where we are no longer willing to wait. Most of the anti-D experts I have studied suggest giving it at least 1 year. I, myself, set a deadline of 1 year. I have had in my signature "I will give her until 1/2/2018 to commit fully to R or I will file." She fully committed back in March.

I like that you are concentrating on your W's behavior. That is the key. Nothing they say matters. A lot of times the things they do doesn't matter. What matters is consistent behavior over a long period of time. If you have read other people's sitches here you will see that the WAS often will do things just to manipulate the LBS. We call temp checking or throwing a bone. Short term doesn't matter. When you see consistent behavior from your spouse over a long period of time that is when you will know. I said mine committed fully in March. I didn't trust it until I had seen it consistently for 3 months. We are now 8 months+ of her consistent behavior.

I would caution you on the use of the word "narrative". Narrative to me is something that is spoken. You are looking for a "pattern of behavior". Talking about being patient is a narrative. BEING patience is a pattern of behavior. Just like you shouldn't believe anything she says, do not be surprised that she believes nothing YOU say. WASs are much more advanced in this area.

In fact, I will use your thread as a way to quickly post something I have been thinking of.

Question: Why is is that WASs believe nothing a LBS says, but the LBS eats up everything the WAS says with a spoon?

The answer really comes from the same basic human trait: we want to believe what we want to believe.

First the WAS believing nothing the LBS says. Why is this? Well it is rooted in the years leading up to BD. Remember, by BD, if initiated by the WAS, the idea of leaving the MR has been percolating in the WAS' head for usually about 2 years. After years of nagging, and complaining, and seeing no real lasting changes from the LBS, the WAS stops complaining. The LBS sees this as a positive! "He or she is finally happy with me!" In reality the WAS had given up and is planning their exit strategy. At this point, the WAS' mind is made up: they want out. Over the course of the next 2 years their decision is further cemented. They come to grips with the pain it has to cause, the upheaval it will cause the family, the logistics of it all, and just in general come not only to be resigned to the idea, but excited by it. Granted a lot of it is fantastical and not reality ("the kids will be better off!" "he/she can find someone more compatible, I am really doing them a favor!" etc), but is what they go through for a period of roughly 2 years until BAM! They drop the hammer and tell the LBS "It is over."

Now, at this point their decision is made. LBS starts saying things contrary to that decision. Most of which is "I will change!" The problem is that the time of them being open to changes is past. so they don't want to hear it. In fact, they don't want to hear ANYTHING that in anyway is contrary to their decision, no matter who it is from. I truly believe God himself could manifest before them and tell them what they are doing is wrong, and they wouldn't want to hear it! So yes, they believe NOTHING the LBS says because they don't want to hear what the LBS is laying down.

Now, the LBS is a completely different animal at this point. They are scared, desperate, and in survival mode. They want to cling to ANY little nugget of positivity that they possibly can. When the WAS says "ok, we can do MC" the LBS is over the moon! Never mind that the WAS probably doesn't mean it, and even if they do end up attending it is just to later say "yes we even tried MC". Even after hearing the reality like this, most LBS will still cling to it. "There is still hope because he/she said they'd attend MC!"

Humans love to hear what they want to hear. And to dismiss what though don't want to hear. This is why in most sitches the WAS isn't listening to anything the LBS says, and the LBS is clinging to every word the WAS says.