BD: My wife asked for a divorce 23 Oct, the day after I returned from a hunting trip. She is not willing to reconcile or go to couples’ counseling, but she has stated that she is pursuing individual therapy.
Don't expect IC to help with the M any, it almost never does. Typically the IC is just there to validate, so if she is prepped for D then the IC will "support" her in that.
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Before the BD: I knew she wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know why and she wouldn’t tell me when I asked her prior to that point. I had been reading up on what makes a good marriage and how to be a better husband, I even downloaded a bunch of audiobooks and podcasts to take on my hunting trip.
Just curious, but does she resent your hunting trips? If you do a lot of stuff for yourself like that and she doesn't then resentment can really build up over time. Seems kind of ironic that you were downloading stuff on how to be a better husband to take with you on a retreat that you were going on alone while presumably leaving her to take care of the house and kids.
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I knew something had to be done about the marriage so I committed myself to finding out our issues and being a better man/husband.
I'm curious if you tried implementing anything before BD, or were still in "research mode"? She is probably looking at it as "too little too late".
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We have always been good friends. Our fights have been few and minor, and we are always able to reach a quick and mutually agreed upon resolution.
It was the same with my ex and me, and a lot of counselors consider the lack of fighting to be a bad thing. If both partners are conflict-avoidant then unaddressed resentment can be a real problem.
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I need physical touch, primarily, and she needs quality time together. We both failed to make quality time for each other - life got busy with careers, school (she started on her Master’s degree and I started my Bachelor’s when she graduated), and kids.
It doesn't mean she doesn't like PT, she just didn't give it the priority you did. But a warning about 5LL, the recommendations in that book are mainly for a healthy marriage. So now you know one of the things that went wrong (you two weren't communicating in each other's languages), but that is not something you can fix right now. The LAST thing she wants after BD is more "quality time" with you! So shelve that for now.
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I pleaded for another chance, wrote long emotional letters and emails, and failed to give her any space.
OK well you know better now! Those things are all very damaging, they make you look sad and needy and desperate at a time you need to look strong and confident. But that's OK, most of us did the same before finding DBing. So change that behavior as it sounds like you are, and plan on sticking with it for quite a while before it will have any impact on her.
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but I feel like my situation is weird or unique in a way (just like everyone else).
Yes everyone thinks their situation is unique, LOL! And they use it as an excuse to do things they shouldn't, especially pursuit. So be careful about that. Some people that come here are masters of spinning things to "explain" why they need to do things differently, and despite advice to the contrary they do what they want, and it never works.
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She wants to cohabitate in the marital home for the kids after the divorce. I know this stunts moving on emotionally
For financial reasons? And did you tell her you are OK with that? I'm sure right now you want to hang onto her however you can so that may sound like an appealing option, but I can't see that working out too well. In-house separations can be miserable business, can't see an in-house D being better! A LOT of people here do everything they can to keep their spouse from leaving, but nearly all who do let them go state afterwards that separation was the turning point for them finally moving on.
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We talked about sexual boundaries during this period, but she clearly stated that nothing was off the table at the moment and she needed to “discover herself”. The only rule she would agree to was not to bring anyone to the house or introduce the kids when she gets into a relationship. We are switching off weeks for who has responsibility for the kids and she spends at least one night of her week “without” the kids at another person’s house, but I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell. She seemed very reluctant to start anything physical at the moment, but I am planning for the worst and hoping for the best.
Sounds pretty likely she's having a PA. She just doesn't feel obliged to tell you about it.
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1. What is your take on my situation?
It sounds like you are afflicted with NGS (have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? If not, add it to your list). You are bending over backwards to placate her and she is cake-eating and taking advantage of you. It sounds like she is a WW (wayward wife), not a WAS. WW's will chew you up and spit you out. She has zero respect for you right now and you are making it worse by playing housewife while she pursues her "girls gone wild" lifestyle. It's only going to get worse from here unless you take your balls back.
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2. For those who neglected their social lives (aka codependent), what were your winning strategies and tactics with GAL?
I had to force myself to GAL. It's easy to convince yourself not to, but recovery depends on GAL. The more you GAL the faster you recover. Also be as diverse in GAL as possible. GAL doesn't mean "go drinking at bars" (you'd be surprised how many people think that at first). I went back to weight-lifting every day, volunteered with Habitat for Humanity building houses, picked up several old hobbies (building models, building and flying R/C planes, working on my motorcycles and riding them again), reconnected with old friends I hadn't seen or talked to in ages, started taking my kids out more to do stuff (walk at the park, fly kites, go to a movie, go to lunch or dinner), started going to more events (such as motorcycle gatherings and R/C plane "fly-ins"), joined in more after-work social activities, the list goes on and on. I can't stress enough how hard it was at first, it is so tough when all you want to do is stay home and be miserable or engineer ways to throw yourself in front of your wife to show her how bad she needs you. You have to do it though, and the more you do it the less difficult it is, until eventually you actually start enjoying life again.
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Everyone that she has told (except her divorced friends and sister) are all on my side or trying to stay neutral.
Neutral is good, "on your side" is bad. Try to explain to mutual friends and family that there is no "side" here, they should be supporting both of you through these difficulties. You DO NOT want them trying to talk her out of it or really even talk to her at all about the M. She will see that as you "rallying the troops against her". Don't talk about your sitch to people unless they have no ties to your W, because things you say WILL get back to her. Just tell people you are having some troubles the two of you are working on and leave it at that.
