What should my reaction be if she says Im hurting her or bringing her down. Just validate I guess. I understand how hard this is for you... something like that?
Try to say more than "I understand". B/c she will hear that and say to herself "No, you don't". Say "I can see how you feel that way", "I can see how you think that" or my favorite "I get that" with a pleasant, agreeable tone.
Communicating your boundaries to your W will be important, but only when she is ready for R and ready to meet them.
Your W saying she is "done" is really nothing of note. She's said that before right?
Her not doing the hard stuff to better herself is annoying, but there's not a thing in the world you can do about it. I hope you will reread the validation link at the beginning of your first thread and commit 2 or 3 validating phrases to memory.
If you've gone dark, you can't talk to her about all the stuff in your last paragraph. If you guys are still going to counseling, you aren't really going dark anyways.
Originally Posted by Did
She can put real effort in to work on herself or we can go our separate ways.
Unless you are seriously ready to move on, I wouldn't say this. She is 99% likely to shut down and not respond the way you are hoping.
As to all the stuff you agreed about a month ago, well she has already gone back on her marriage vows, why wouldn't she disregard this agreement as well? Let it be.
Don't share your pain with her, because right now she doesn't care and can't even listen to it. My W is the same way. We have to accept it and move forward in a positive direction, find new outlets to share our suffering and accept that our W's are not going to help us there, only bring us more pain.
