FSolo, I can relate. Not so much in thinking I'm a desirable prize, but that, no matter how good I feel about myself and about moving forward, I can't get over how much I continue to love W. Despite everything, I feel I love her even more today. All of her: physically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. Tough to move forward while missing her so much.
Hey... if I was a guy, I would totally want to date you...lol. I would also love to be in your shoes although they wouldn’t fit because I wear a size 10. FS...your H knows you are a catch. Stop the obsessing. Let him be the one obsessing for awhile. If I were you, I would dial up the friendliness just a little bit...not too much. And be just a little less available and a bit more independent. Let him be alone for awhile. You are doing great. Marathon...not a sprint.
Thanks guys ... it is hard not to obsess when I see him so much, and it is hard for him to miss me when he sees me so much. But I do my obsessing here, never in front of him. If he is missing me, then he does it in private.
B - can he smell it? Maybe. His actions indicate he suspects I have moved on. The little passive aggressive comments, the little fire of anger in his eyes which he quickly tempers back down. But, I know what you mean. In the same way I know him, he knows me. He knows my go to when hurt is to detach. I think what is surprising him is the 'friendly' detachment.
Quick side note ... as an indication that I am getting better at this.
I had gone out yesterday morning to get milk and the paper. The paper was on the island in the kitchen unopened. When he came to pick up the girls he took the paper out of its plastic wrapping and started to read one of the supplements. I didn't say anything. As we started to leave he still had the supplement in his hand and I said, without thinking "Are you really taking my paper?". Not in a bad accusatory way, but in a banterish way. He looked at me surprised and said "I will bring it back".
D12 was telling us both about a game on her phone she was playing. It sounds like a role playing game where she is an 89 year old who has boyfriends who keep dying. She went through the long list of boyfriends and I started to laugh and H and I started to explain to her what the black widow spider is. D9 yelled "89 year olds can't have boyfriends". Again, without thinking I responded "Never too late honey" and I looked up at him (for that smile we use to share when we were teasing the kids) and I saw the smile was (it has been missing for so long) and also something else, a question left unsaid maybe?
Anyway, thank you all for responding. I am Ok I think. I carry on. I think I have found a decent balance. Somewhere between detached and friendly detached. No questioning and no disclosure.
Paco - Your thoughts on the nature of the 'crises' and what characteristics got me thinking last night on what takes to get through one having done the least amount of damage. Unfortunately my H has all the classic signs of someone who will burn his house down before he reaches a point where he can grow. I will write more on this on your thread later when I get a minute at work.
But the one thing we both have that makes us less desirable is that we both give the impression that we value something that doesn’t value us?
Or as I believe the case is with my H, we value something (or someone) that cannot see any value in themselves. They hate the person they are, so can't fathom why someone would want their flawed, unhappy self. Such a maze we are navigating.
So, in the interest of big b@Ils I finally received the childcare schedule for December. For those that don’t know my H works a 24/7 roster (which he has limited control over), goes through it, works out when he will have the children (inc. when he will come get them in the morning and after school), and then passes it to me. I went through it - he is seeing them quite a lot but he only has them overnight 4 nights.
After some back and forwarding (I have plans on the 4th - any chance you could have them blah blah blah) I got tired of sounding like a beggar and sent the following ...
“Cool. Thanks
I would like you to start having the girls overnight more often in the new year - at least a minimum of 10 nights per calendar month. I can see you make a big effort to see the children much more often but pick ups and having them until seven doesn’t allow me freedom to do much more than go to work. I know we have to work within the confines of your roster, but four nights in 31 is a little one sided. If you could give this some thought when you put your schedule together for Jan that would be great. Thanks”
There is a tight pain in my chest and my heart is beating incredibly fast.
I guess this is what fear (or Adrenalin) feels like.
I expect (there’s that word again) some retaliation - more passive aggressive bs. He won’t say anything directly to me, but undoubtedly, will hold it in, and next time I do something he doesn’t like, I will get “you’re selfish”, “you don’t care about your children” ... and I will say (because I have read the boundaries thread a hundred times) “I am not going to listen to you while you speak to me like that” and walk out. That’s the plan anyway.
You did the right thing. I remember that feeling from last week when I told W to figure out her finances. If that feeling were more tolerable, it would be easier to say the things that need to be said.
You fear his reaction, but the “right thing” is the right thing regardless of anyone’s feelings.
The way you said it comes across as bold, empowered, fair, just, confident, etc. Nicely done.
Also you need to start a new thread...
Last edited by burned; 11/26/1811:09 AM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I don’t see anything wrong with that email FS. It’s just you asking for what you need and it is not outrageous. You were to the point and matter-of-fact.
FS...your H knows you are a catch. Stop the obsessing. Let him be the one obsessing for awhile. If I were you, I would dial up the friendliness just a little bit...not too much. And be just a little less available and a bit more independent. Let him be alone for awhile. You are doing great. Marathon...not a sprint.