Gosh Pain... I get it. I really do. I have those feelings sometimes too. It is disheartening when they come. I know that you are trying to focus on you but what I read in your post is that you are focused more on your anger and that isn’t helping you. Try to make this less personal. Difficult, I know. But I think you really need to understand, I mean really understand, that this is not about you. It is about her. For whatever reason she can only give you what she is capable of right now. She is in her own version of hell right now and she can’t talk to you about it. Drop the rope Pain. Just let it go. Open the cage door and let her fly. It is the only way through this. (((HUGS)))
I have tears in my eyes reading your response, DV. And I know that I need to let go of her...anger included. I keep trying to remind myself that W is going through her own version of hell right now and I try to not think about how anti-cheating she was before all of this and just shake my head and continually ask "Why?".
You tell me to free her and let her fly...I try to, but then I find myself grabbing rocks and just think about throwing them at her, hoping they strike. The real-life equivalent is just unloading my verbal rage at her smugness she is. And then I go to the times in which I outright tore her apart and how good it felt then...and how much worse we feel afterwards. I know it is not good. It ruined any positive progress we may have made. I can't go back. I am better than the man I was before BD.
I know she shows vulnerability at times and periodically asks me to get stronger so that she can finally open up to me...something she has been asking me to do since April. Whether it's her asking for D (per sandi's prediction), or something else, I need to be strong.
