Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Marina and job, thank you so much for your insights. I appreciate your comments and perspectives.

I had an interesting 24 hours thinking about ex.

I was frustrated with the fact that it’s been over 2 years since our situation turned extra hostile and I’m so over it... I can’t understand why he isn’t.

We were OK leading up to his final ultimatum 2 years ago. He knew my thoughts around the divorce and how I didn’t think it was the answer. I followed db to a t... friendly neighbor, gal on my own, 180s etc. I think he did notice and had resentment around it. He thought he could control this divorce from the get go. Even our mc at the time told him he was nuts for thinking I would go along with whatever he said. He offered me 20k to walk away and give up my dog.... and that was his final offer... he wasn’t going to be as generous afterwards. <—— I laugh at this now.

Well, lawyers had to get involved and I have a much better picture of how he was manipulating me the entire marriage. It didn’t matter because as long as I was on his team doing exactly as he wanted.... everything was fine. The second I “disobeyed” him or had feelings of my own, all he!! broke loose.

Anyway, I digress. When I refused his “offer” that’s when ALL the spew came out and our relationship has been hostile ever since. Sometimes I feel like he continues his terrible actions as a way to say “see, I told you not to mess with me.”


Coming back to present day... I’m like woah- how much longer can he hold onto this hatred? I know there’s angst there because he is getting exposed for all his financial games, but that’s not my problem.

So, i ruminated on that a bit. Went to bed and had one of those dreams where I’m getting chased by a “bad guy” and no matter what I do or where I turn, he is always one step ahead of me to ensure I’m trapped. This theme has been a recurring dream over the last few years. Towards the end of the dream, the guy threw a giant ninja star at my head and literally cut my skull open. I was able to get help and quickly stay conscious enough to make phone calls to the ones I loved to say goodbye. Then the ambulance came but it wasn’t a real ambulance and I knew it was him trying to trick me to going into the fake ambulance. I felt myself fading and I knew it was the end. I couldn’t run from him anymore and I was going to die anyway so I walked to the ambulance knowing it was his trick. I couldn’t outrun him anymore.

And that was the exact moment I woke up. And when I did I had a splitting headache.


A few minutes after I woke up... I was pretty alert and I had an epiphany re: the latest issue with the dog. I realized he is scared (our last dog died of lung cancer, he had a terrible chronic cough, and it was hard on my ex), and our dog has a cough resembling kennel cough. Hearing the dogs cough even brought me back to those days of having a dog dying of cancer.... not fun. I think he sent that nasty email and copied our lawyers out of fear. It has nothing to do with me, I’m just on the receiving end of it all.

I can only make up things... but he really could be a scared and hurting human and that’s why he keeps lashing out at me. We know MLC isn’t about us... it’s just hard when you’re in legal proximity.

I’m trying to look at this through a lens of compassion.