Now facing divorce

[Rita]

I second, third and fourth Peacetoday's post! There is reason for the name, "peacetoday"!

Your focus really is on controlling W, and it will help you to see what we are all seeing from reading your (rather frantic) posts. You have a righteous anger because she is doing things that are evil. But the anger will only destroy you; it won't change her.

The only thing that MIGHT change her, over a long long long time, is your kindness and forgiveness. You can't be kind or forgiving to change her. But if you are able to be kind and forgiving so that your kids can see what that looks like, you will give your kids a gift that will last all their lives, and you will feel free. And maybe, just maybe, one day your wife will wake up from the madness and feel safe to come back. Even if she files. Even if the D goes through.

If you don't want to be kind and forgiving, and I understand that it is next to impossible and not something I could do at all if I didn't have God in my life, then you know that your choice is D.

But either way -- surrender the need to change her! Even if she is doing things that are completely unacceptable!

Garage door bothering you? Get some earplugs. Alarm bothering the kids? Put on white noise machine or fan in their room.

Or break the garage door. Or leave it open.

W cheating on you with some evil slime bag? Take up boxing or fishing or painting or running. Or all of the above. when you start to think about the cheating and the evil slime bag, work on one of those things while playing loud music. All you can do is distract yourself from those thoughts; you can't change them. Accepting that will make you a tower of strength and an amazing man. Or throw yourself into helping others -- offer to take on four new patients at your practice who could never afford you. Visit a homeless shelter every Sunday and treat folks there for free. You have a gift; use it to make your mark on this world in a beautiful way! Take a week with Doctors without Borders. Do something truly important in the world so you can stop thinking about how selfish and ugly your W is right now.

You are a person in this world with or without her. What kind of person do you want to be? It is painful to walk through life with a broken heart, but that's your reality right now. You can still be the man you want to be with that broken heart -- just as you would tell a patient who lost a leg that he can still be the man he wants to be. You have a wound but you are not dead. Don't let yourself be dead. Resurrect yourself. One day you may also be able to resurrect your marriage, but right now all you can do is put your marriage in a box on the shelf and hope that one day W opens the box again.

I read here, I think on jackthreebeans' thread, that standing for your marriage really just means outlasting the MLC. That has really stuck with me. I remember that line everyday and it really helps me. And while I am outlasting it, I can still lead a fulfilling life as ME. If you read my thread, you will see how much I struggled to find me. And sometimes I still lose me -- AND I AM ON YEAR SIX!!!! But mostly I have found me more than ever, and I have hope and joy in life a lot of the time, despite my current horrifying circumstances. YOU CAN DO IT!