I hope today is a good day for you. You have definitely had an up and down week(s), that rollercoaster is such a ride.
How did things work out with D10 “cutting” in class? Was the counseling helpful?
S10’s hopefulness that Dad is just confused and may get better (and therefore that was not the last family vacation) is so healthy and nice to see. He is ten and loves both his parents, that is great. I am pretty confident that D10 has similar views.
I believe that one must discuss this situation with the children, age appropriately of course. This affects them so very much, and they have many questions. They want and need answers, and those have to come from you, if not they will find them somewhere else, and they will probably be less correct.
There is a lot of fear with regard to our children. Custody, encouraging their feelings, not confusing them, having to have open and unabashed discussions of topics. The coparenting idea is also another “thing” to discuss and figure out. Lots of fear when seeking what our kids may truely want.
In your particular situation, your children have expressed a desire to live with you, at home. I think that is a fine arrangement, they know what they want, do not dismiss their ideas. The thought that 50/50 is better, I do not buy into that in cases where the other spouse has gone off the rails and abandoned the family. One sane loving parent will raise their children better than a 50/50 arrangement. One really has to see what is best for the kids, long term.
You know my situation, W totally abandon her children, threw everything away, and I have complete sole custody. She has visiting privileges, and chooses to never see her kids. She is one very lost soul. I see your H in a similar light, not as far gone. My goal, and I will accomplish it to the best of my abilities, is to rise our children free from the fate of repeating their Mom’s actions, her MLC (if you believe in that).
I am a role model, you are too, without doubt children are watching, and on all fronts not just with how we interact with our mixed up spouse. However, for now let’s just focus on my W: I am kind, compassionate, and forgiving towards her. I have no vengeance or wish her any malice. I have discussed this with my children, parents, friends, and others - I have many converts, all have opened up and see my point of view.
I have shared my journey and points of view. Your desire to forgive your H and find peace is touching and IMHO a fanastic heading to journey towards. I have linked a post about my forgiveness, it is a bit of a read. If you are feel like getting teary eyed go to page 4 on that thread and read about daughter and her break up.
Near the bottom of page 10, I explain the mantra of mine - Be the best you will be. That might help as well.
It really is a matter of choice. I strongly encourage everyone to make kind, compassionate, forgiving choices. That many not mean what you think it does - people do not get a free pass, there is still accountably.
As I have said, I love where you’re heading. Perhaps, I will attempt to offer more practical ideas to help, if you choose to want that.
Forgiveness is a choice - your choice.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
