Thank you FS. Your responses to me are always so helpful. I know that it is not my marriage I am grieving...but what I had hoped it would become. But it takes two in that regard and my H made his decision to put himself first and our marriage last a number of years ago. So that is not the person that I should be married to. I know that intellectually andI also know that my head will definitely win out in the end. Although I am dreading the separating of finances and how final it seems, I also know it will be a big step toward regaining and creating my own life...separate from him and from the future I thought we had both wanted. He’s been planning a different future and I need to accept that - the sooner, the better.
There have been many times thoughout this process where I felt like I got it and a switch flipped but then my stubborn heart would flip it back again. It is starting to lose its energy in that regard. I know that I will be dropping the rope soon and these remnant panicky feelings are not going to last forever. My H is right about one thing. I am defimitely strong. I also always try to do the right thing irregardless of my feelings. This is a major difference between my H and I and it is something about me that he has always benefited from and also taken advantage of. No matter what he does, he knows that I will strive to understand it from his POV and acquiesce if it is important to him. He has long benefited from my care and concern whereas I have been pretty much ignored. When I REALLY think about it, I should be the one leaving, not him. But my values and beliefs prevent me from doing so - something else he knows too well. So my 180s are difficult to determine but I think if he could give me advice, he would tell me to stop caring about him. Stop worrying about his pain and his health. Stop smiling when I see him. These are big asks as they are completely against my nature. I guess that is why they call them 180s...lol.
So my painful weekend of self-pity is over and I hope I don’t have too many more of those. Today is a new day. I STILL feel like CR@P but am going to try to be productive in some way. The kids want to put up our Christmas tree so I will probably have to get my H to come help me with it. He is the only person who knows which pieces to use and where all the decorations are stowed. It would be a good opportunity for a 180 for me and for him to experience the last family Christmas tree decorating “party”. Hopefully he will be back from the mainland in time.
