This is why I'm thinking at this point it may be worth getting out of the house. It is extremely difficult around the holidays but our dynamic is such that maybe it's better to be apart.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
That's my sticking point. I talked with him and as long as I try and put in 50% it won't affect it. Being away would obviously make that harder. However, in this case there have been several missteps by her that may actually award me custody. I can also request 50/50 custody for temp orders. It's a catch 22 and a chess match.
You are correct, the holidays are a more difficult time for us and the MLCer. They have old love, feelings, and thoughts pushing back into their addled emotional charged mind. It is very confusing for them and they will seek and find justification to further their cause and quell those annoying thoughts of a past reality.
This does pass, after holidays are over, they settle and continue on their solitary journey.
I know you understand the importance of detachment. You are making progress, even if at times it does not feel like it.
“Feel” - that is what it is about. Getting your feelings to not uncontrollably follow her feelings or actions. This takes time, keep the goal in mind, you will get there.
My W left at BD, destroyed everything, dumped me, the kids, house, money, cars, dogs, some of her clothes. Crazy times! I did find detachment, it was still months in the making. The thing is, it is a slow change from 0% detached and 100% attached, then a while later 10% / 90%, 20% / 80%, and so on. Then one day you realize, suddenly, hey I am not attached. You find detachment. Spoiler - you do lose it again. You see, that surprise moment happens when you are more detached than attached, let’s say 80 / 20, you will have had a stretch of good detached days, and it will hit you, that you actually did it.
The 20% will come back, don’t worry, it does not hurt nearly as much as it does when at 10/90. Eventually you will get to a point you will say and “feel” - I am detached.
My own journey I will say was atypical of the genrally summarized steps of grieving and healing, if such a thing makes sense. There is no “right” way to get through what you are facing. I found forgiveness early, for most it seems to be, a near the end moment of healing. You won’t just work on, and achieve, one state then move on to the next. While you are detaching, you are letting go, you are accepting, you are becoming indifferent. True somethings have to happen after others are achieved - like indifference, a few other things must be in place first.
My point is, that being apart might make detachment easier, somewhat, maybe. Like everything you, I, and everyone else struggles with, it is in your mind. That is not meant meanly or a discouragingly. Your W does not make you attached, does not prevent your detachment, it is all from you. Therefore no matter where you are, no matter where she is, it really doesn’t change your perspective, you mind is always with you and attached. However, as I said, not having her pushing buttons may make it easier.
You don’t need to move out for that space for yourself, just go out on your own for hours at a time as needed. Change your perspective on this, and you will get there.
I will add my voice and suggestions to the choices you face. Stay in the master bedroom, she wants to leave, not you - let her move to another bedroom. Stay in the house, again let her move out, and do the heavy lifting, let her own those decisions, do not do her dirty work for her.
I know you have received L advice to the contrary, and I am sure there is more to your situation, and reasoning and logic to your L’s point of view. If you have some concerns, which I am sensing you do, you could ask another L on their opinion of what you should do. This is probably one of the biggest decision of your life, financially huge, custody arrangements, etc... Seeking more than one opinion is a good idea, and a wise investment.
You know your situation better than anyone here. We all offer advice and suggestions, based on what worked for us, and the collective wisdom.
I looked at the advice and suggestions I received as an opportunity for me to ensure I was making decisions based on reason and true values and beliefs. That usually ends up as a question for you to ponder and find your answers.
Originally Posted by Hamburg
It is extremely difficult around the holidays but our dynamic is such that maybe it's better to be apart.
It maybe better to be apart - true.
Is it best?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am probably going to be a bit of pain for you with questions.
So, you want to stay. Awesome! Why? What are your reasons? Find them and focus on them.
Most of us are problem solvers, with this crazy problem we can’t solve - so we are told. I say not quite true. It is our scope of the problem, our perspective of the problem, to be accurate our scope of what we feel responsible to correct - that is wrong and needs adjustment.
You now have a small piece, of the large mess which you cannot fix, to do something with. This you can fix. You can fix your part of this problem.
You want to stay. So stay. What will drive you out? What would make you so angry, crazy, sad, whatever - that you would have to leave? Get those inputs under control. Find a way to coexist with them.
That is focusing on you and kids, finding detachment. That is a practical application of those ideas. That is how it is done.
By the way, “what would make you so angry, crazy, sad - so you would have to leave”. Do you see that the drivers are feelings, that is why detachment is so important - and realizing that is a really good step towards achieving it.
Remember feeling are fleeting, they will change, they might feel forever, they will change, no doubt. Do not make decisions when all amped up with feelings, use reason and logic. There are many counterintuitive reason for this as well, one is to break the addiction to your spouse.
As for the bedroom furnishings. I hope I did not confuse things. Moving her stuff out will not work, she will most likely bring it all back, and get good and angry as well. She is going to do what she wants to do. If she gets to a point where she wants to leave the bedroom - she will. Your decision is for you. Remain in the bedroom or not - it is for you.
I understand just how mixed up everything is right now for you, and how much information is coming at you. One can only take in so much, and only so fast. Don’t worry it takes time, do not expect fast or push yourself to hard, as much as you can be peaceful and let the answers find you - you answers will be revealed from within yourself in time, be patient. We aren’t going anywhere, and you can re-read posts many times gleaning more from them.
This is a marathon. You will get there, piece by piece, one little step at a time.
You have the time, use it well.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 11/24/1804:33 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I'll offer up a suggestion on how to move to the Master Bedroom. You can always say "wife, I've decided that I am moving back into the Master Bedroom. If you are not happy with my decision, you can either remain in the Master Bedroom or move to the guest bedroom."
If she threatens to file temp orders, call her bluff. What is she going to say? My husband has decided to move back into the Master Bedroom? If I am not mistaken, you are the one paying the bills. They love to make threats. Believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do.
Try to look at her as a roommate and nothing more. No expectations, but you can be polite and say hello, goodbye, have a nice day, etc. Refrain from any more relationship conversations, i.e, divorce talks and the OM.
Continue to focus on you as best you can. Go out when you need a breath of fresh air or to regain control of your emotions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My reason for staying is mainly for the kids. I can't imagine waking up christmas morning and not having them there. We already have a tree and I see there little eyes light up.
I had to listen to all my audio from replay part 1 in order to organize it for the Atty. She threatened temp orders so many times and never pulled the trigger. There does not have to be a threat, it is not a protective order. They are temp visitation, child support etc... she knows her gravy train ends at that point and I don't think she would do it. I will leave the bedroom alone for now and see how things go.
The main thing I have to deal with is her staying out all hours of the night. I work my tail off and it is really annoying being distracted at 3am by garage door and alarm. It hinders my sleep and I get up at 5am. If not for that I would be ok with everything else.
Have you sat down w/her and explained the situation about the garage door and alarm on the days you have to go to work? You could say something like: "wife, is there any way that you can come in earlier during the week? The reason that I am asking is that I have to get up at 5:00 am to go to work and when the garage door and alarm make noise, they disturb my sleep and I can't go back to sleep for the 2 hours, which they affects my work performance. Any assistance from you on this matter is greatly appreciated."
If you speak to her about this, you will need to be calm and keep your voice as even as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Have you sat down w/her and explained the situation about the garage door and alarm on the days you have to go to work? You could say something like: "wife, is there any way that you can come in earlier during the week? The reason that I am asking is that I have to get up at 5:00 am to go to work and when the garage door and alarm make noise, they disturb my sleep and I can't go back to sleep for the 2 hours, which they affects my work performance. Any assistance from you on this matter is greatly appreciated."
If you speak to her about this, you will need to be calm and keep your voice as even as possible.
Not yet. All bets point to her asking me to leave the house of that's the case. I can try though.
