Thank you both. I fell asleep at 11 and then woke up to 2:00. Trying to calm my busy mind. Feeling like the grief of my marriage ending is finally starting to come. In the beginning, it was shock and coming to terms with my reality not being my reality. Then it was lots of hope that I could turn things around with my H seeming a bit confused and wavering. But that part of the journey is over. He is resolved. So now I am facing that fact and the grief is coming. I am also thinking a lot about letting go but I don’t want to do it with anger. I need to separate the love I have for my H from the fear I have of being on my own. I used to joke with my sister that if my marriage ever ended, I would just give up on men. But now I am here and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without a partner. I know my H will replace me soon enough and that really hurts...that someone could just waltz into the picture and take my place. My H and I used to talk about when we would retire and spend our days boating. The name of our boat was going to be MNT2B... Meant to Be. I have to let that go now. Man it is hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I have to do it with love.
I keep thinking about my first marriage and my first divorce. It was so different. My XH, I think, was quite depressed in the beginning whereas I felt like my life was just starting. It was such a relief to just not have the weight of my H”s depression holding me down. And I went a good six months with almost no contact. Funny enough... I do remember looking back and at one point considering going back but by then, my XH had moved on from his depression and while I had a moment of regret or wondering if I had tried hard enough, he was past that. We never talked about reconciling and it probably wouldn’t have worked if we did... but I do remember temperature checking. And two years later, when I drove out of town with all of my stuff, I cried for the first time. And then I let go. The difference between then and now is that my XH and I didn’t have any children or property to speak of. I was also 32 years old and II could imagine falling in love again and building a life with someone. Now, at 50 with two children, I just don’t have that kind of hope. And I don’t get the time away from him to heal. Our kids keep us connected for life and this is both a blessing and a curse. Right now, it feels like a curse. At the very least, it has cursed my ability to sleep as it is now 4:03 a.m.
