Today was a very sad day. There is this big heavy sadness inside me, that makes it so hard to do things, I should have cleaned the house or worked for school, but it costs so much energy. I am not even in the mood to read a book. I feel like I have to realize that this really is the end. And worse, I am wondering if H is right, that maybe our R would never have been happy. Just read an article about why couples stay in unhealthy relationships for to long, basically out of fear for the unknown. I am wondering if that was my motivation to stay. I definitely was not always happy, with H always working and barely spending time with the family or me. For years I have collected hike suggestions from the newspaper, all collected in a binder and maybe once a year we would all go on a hike, maybe in between I would go on a hike with the increasingly reluctant boys, we almost never went on a family vacation, maybe a few days once a year, otherwise he was to busy. On weekends I would sit on the sofa by myself most of the time while he was working on his desk. It feels like I have been waiting for him to have time for quite sometime. But I stayed, maybe I settled, because he is a good person, I could trust him and when we did things together we had fun. But still I miss him.

Today my mother in law called. H had already told me that she would invite me to celebrate the second Christmas Day with them. While I initially thought that that would be nice, I was not so sure about it anymore after a Thanksgiving and my realization that H is most likely dating already. I don’t want to be wife No 2 . I had hoped to be able to think about the invitation a little longer, but since MIL called today I told her I would not come, not without getting a little teary. She also asked if I would organize the kids presents for them like every year but I told her H should do that now. I feel bad for her and I will try to visit them after the holidays while I am still in Germany, but it felt like the right choice, I cannot celebrate Christmas with him and his family like everything is normal and the next day he goes out with another woman and will probably file for D a few weeks later. I just have to tell H about my decision. He is traveling for work at the moment. Maybe will email him within the next few days.

Tomorrow I will go to the city with the boys. I hope it will be fun.