More journaling. Still feeling quite under the weather and I’m afraid it is affecting my mental health as well. Having some low moments. Still somewhat preoccupied with the what ifs of my H’s and my inevitable discussion around custody and finances. A cheeseless tunnel, I know. Still...it is weighing on my mind. And it feels like the end of my marriage is coming towards me at a very fast pace. I want so much to be detached... well and truly detached. But it seems like there is no short cut. No quick way to get there. It is a kind of marathon in itself. Strong moments...followed by weak...followed by strong...etc... I am getting to the place of acceptance but it is not yet accompanied by detachment. I know that will come...in time.
To that end... I have written a list of goals for myself. Things I would like to accomplish as soon as I am feeling physically up to it. Hoping to be able to go and get my guitar tomorrow. My H is supposed to help me pick one out but I’m not sure I am going to wait for him. Also doing some Christmas decorating. Kids are looking forward to it. I am going to make it fun.
I texted a bit with my ex-husband (#1) today. Before anyone tells me that’s a bad idea, my XH and I split 18 years ago. It was amicable, we had nothing to divide and no kids, we have always remained friends and he and my H have a casual email friendship based on a common interest (music). My XH, who is 9 years older than my H, also went through very similar things that my H is going through (minus the pathological lying) and has some insight. He also lives quite far away so is detached from the sitch and he knows me very well so can give me some good feedback. There is zero attraction between us anymore... just a very good honest friendship that both of us value. It would be my greatest hope that my H and I could have that kind of relationship in the future but I’m not sure my H could get there with me and not be constantly reminded of his guilt so it is unlikely. But... you never know what the future holds, I suppose.
