I guess this is piecing

[Did]

Well I hope you all haven’t given up on me. Probably going to be venting here. I’ve been journaling and working on myself GAL with some guy friends. Continually have opportunities to travel for lacrosse tournaments but hesitant to leave for an extended period of time with split custody and w struggling to parent solo. When I got back from 5 days in Hawaii she was a mess leading to issues noted below.

We got into it via text with wife today. She said she avoids communicating with me because it drains her and brings her down. Now she has also said how different my energy is that she loves me im a great dad no one hotter than me sex was great etc. Admits she’s not consistent day to day and isn’t ready in her journey. This is a 1.5 year separation. Previously we had solid progress with MC. Dating once every week or two not seeing other people. No talking or sexual stuff with other partners. Been almost two months since w and I slept together and I thought we were going to be piecing.

Recently I made the mistake of rescuing and NGS tendencies the last couple weeks. She asks for help with D4. I came over a couple days to help out. Including one day her asking me to rub her neck because she gets tension headaches and migraines. She has been in the hospital for this. I show up she’s in a thong in bed asking me to rub her neck. Umm yea how about a side of hard sex to go with it.

Then She pulls away and has the nerve to say we should be together for dates and not around each other so much. When she invited me over. Said she wants to keep me at arms length. C agrees this is manipulative and she’s not doing the work. I believe she is also projecting everything on me and personally believe she has a slew of other issues. She said today communicating with me brings her down and she can’t do it. The only thing that makes her feel better is being productive and powerful alone.

So all I can do is go to LRT and full DB mode, right? Pretty disappointed but saw it coming as I’m sure you did if you followed my sitch. W told me she wasn’t ready. She’s still full of anger and resentment. During text convo today she said she doesn’t think we can make each other’s lives better. She’s avoiding communicating with me because it brings her down. Then she shows up to pick up d4 and we get along well.

On my end I take responsibility and will never bring up the relationship by text or outside of therapy. I promise myself that. Back to the picnic analogy I was making progress there but I allowed her lack of effort to feet me and I started pursuing. Repetitive mistake someone hit me with a 2x4.

Issues continues... She has this fake surface happiness as if she’s fine but said 6 weeks ago she had a hard time getting up in the morning and has nothing to offer the world but pain last week D4 was sick I offered her to take the MC spot for IC she said she didn’t wanna spend $ when she didn’t think she needed it. Damn really?! My gut is telling me to stop trying. There has to be a better partner for me. I know she has post partum stuff and uses d4 for external happiness. That’s really all she has and a gf or two she’s not honest with as far as I know I’m the only one she’s really opened up to when she’s been hurting. No one knows we’re in therapy or dating / not seeing other people. It’s a Fing hot mess

I want it all but she’s no where near ready. Last IC session C said she’s not doing the work you’re hearing the same things. Next session tell her what you need if she wants to date you. It’s not healthy for you etc. I have to listen to C and sandi / DB vets and do what works. l believe there has to be a better partner for me but I also believe if W and I were healthy we could build a great relationship. How can we get there... I just gotta chill out and GAL which I’m doing better at. Holidays are tough I wanna do Xmas w her family but may travel instead.

C asks why I love her- We connect on a higher level intellectually and have values and morals that are rare, we have similar interests like astrology, nutrition, enjoy nature hiking, animals, deeper conversation, she is a great mom and physically / Sexually I’m so attracted to her. I find myself having sexual thoughts and fantasies about convos W and I had a month or two ago when I go to sleep or wake up. Yea I want that and just a couple months ago she wanted it with me.

We have counseling scheduled for Dec 3. I’m going to say something like if you want to date me I need you to work on yourself and do what C recommended - 2 books to read, 6 weeks she read 40 pages. When she was reading and trying it was going pretty well. Work on communication and consistency be in IC. Accept you still resent me and have a lot of anger which is ok but should be talked about in a healthy way. Tell her I accept her and where she is, respect her and her journey and want her best effort. Then ask her what she needs from me.

MC has recommended Ic for both of us. She continually hurts me but I continue to allow it. Im going to work on saying no more. I’m going to focus on dropping the rope and detaching. I’ve been re-reading initial posts. My goal is to not allow her or anyone’s actions to affect my mental health and emotional stability. Pull away / LRT and if she comes back don’t jump at it... chill out and NO MORE R talks.

If anyone has food threads or articles / reading recommendations please send links / book titles.