Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

So I am thinking when you have 3 young children to truly keep distance from your WAS during the holiday is hard. I have spent more time around and in contact with W this week than I should, but our 3 kids just naturally pull us together. The result is that when W is not around I can feel detached because it's easy. Out of sight out of mind. However, this week shows me I am not as detached as I would like to think I am. Oh yeah, I can set firm boundaries in her presence to protect myself and keep myself in check. I don't show pursuit and I can easily act as if. She hopefully sees me as someone talking the talk and walking the walk. Internally, I have this unbreakable chain attached to my heart that she can pull just by being in my presence. It hurts, even on the physical level. Maybe someday that chain will rust and I can bust it, maybe it never will break. Maybe she just won't be able to pull that chain anymore. Regardless, I don't feel the stages of grief are as quite linear as they are described.

Looking at AS stages of the LBS journey I think he is spot on about being able to identify other people's stage better than they can themselves. We fool ourselves into thinking we are better off than reality. Its probably a defense mechanism. I have seen people talking on here about where they think they are at, but if you read there sitch you can see they are further behind. That being said I have been really looking inward to decided where I am at. Honestly, I think I am beyond stage 2. However, I think the furthest along I am is stage 5. I don't think I stay in 5, rather I vibrate between 3, 4, & 5 daily to weekly. Distance puts me in 5, but interaction with W cause me to move myself backward to 3 & 4. Clearly I am not in stage 6. There just hasn't been enough time. I am almost 3 months since BD. 1 month since S. It will be 4 months from BD once D finalizes, and this has all been too slow for her. For me it it's been faster than fast. So no, I am a ways away from stage 6.

I don't think I can ever stop loving her, but I think that is ok. I think being the lighthouse means you never do.