Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

Wait a darn tootin second, Andrew and KML -- I must not write as well as I think if you think I was describing my H's behavior in a positive light. He was not like that before MLC. He became a monster in MLC, and that nastiness about the way I did things in the house or cooked was/is part of that. My point was that in the peace and quiet of him being away, I noticed that I myself was able to run things more smoothly. And that I wish the old H was part of that. The new H was running north.

My domestic experience with H here since MLC was just like what you describe, AndrewP. I find that I become paralyzed about projects, the life gets sucked out of me.

On the other hand, my goal is not to fix M but only to fix myself and to find God by serving him through this crisis. I want to be released from the slavery of cynicism and bitterness or revenge. I battle those feelings just as you do. For example this morning H wrote that he would like to "come home" early from his latest trip. I wanted to write back, "This is not your home." Thinking about that filled me with a righteous anger that felt good for a moment but then made my heart race and made me want to punch things. I prayed about it for a while and tried to imagine what forgiveness would look like, if I had any. So I wrote back that there was plenty of turkey and I would leave him some dinner as I would be at church. When I give up my right to judge, I have peace. No matter what H does before or during or after. It's not for him. It's for me to understand better what God's love is. It's like walking through a fire, to give up my right to vindication and my desire to "teach H a lesson." But after I walk through the fire, each time, I see God's love. I know that sounds crazy if you aren't a believer. I remember thinking it was crazy too.

XO to you both for visiting my thread; I always feel flattered that anyone out there is even listening, let alone taking the time to care enough to comment.