Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[DnJ]

Oh my goodness, that meal sounded fantastic!!

Twice baked potatoes, a couple of turkeys, cholocate torte, something or other with bacon - pretty sure it is a vegetable, but it has bacon, probably ok then. Ha ha. Yummy, what a spread you put on. Well done!

Even a few other meals for the bar and deli. Nice touch, happiness all around.

You sound very happy Gerda. Awesome.

DnJ

[job]

Gerda,

Your dinner sounded fantastic. You did a great job and had a lot of peace and quiet while prepping for the big meal. I'm sure your friends/guests are enjoying themselves, just as you and your children are too. Enjoy your time this weekend.

You accomplished a lot this weekend prepping and cooking a large meal! Be proud of yourself.

[kml]

My H was always irritated with how tornado-like the kitchen would be when I prepped a big meal, and when he started monstering, he would be so wickedly hurtful about that.

Just a reality check Gerda - a real partner appreciates the hard work you put into creating a meal and OFFERS TO HELP by doing the dishes. CMM refused to let me help with theThanksgiving dishes because I had done most of the cooking (he hadn't been feeling well that morning or he would have been helping cook too).

It can be hard to see the many ways our spouses have been inappropriate because we've gotten used to it over the years and doesn't marriage involve bending and accommodating? But the reality is, my ex didn't respect me for it. My marriage would have probably been better if I had been less accommodating and expected more from him.

[AndrewP]

I'll echo what kml has said.

I live in a big old rambley somewhat run down house. It needed a lot of work when we moved in 30 years ago - much of which is still not done. All the "structural" stuff was done a long time ago as I re-wired, re-plumbed doing most of the work myself.

A lot of the cosmetic things aren't done though. I am sitting in a room right now that probably has wallpaper that is as old as I am in it.

But because of the fuss that my ex would make when for example I was patching plaster, stripping wallpaper etc, especially if "her stuff" had to be moved a lot of things just didn't get done. I'd get done what I could when she was away or work on a room that was unused and that I could empty, close the door and work on in peace.

And generally she never offered to help.

We get used to this sort of stuff and think of it as normal but it is just one of the ways that we are kept in line and kept down. It feels weird when we finally can look at it from the "outside".

((Gerda))

[Gerda]

Wait a darn tootin second, Andrew and KML -- I must not write as well as I think if you think I was describing my H's behavior in a positive light. He was not like that before MLC. He became a monster in MLC, and that nastiness about the way I did things in the house or cooked was/is part of that. My point was that in the peace and quiet of him being away, I noticed that I myself was able to run things more smoothly. And that I wish the old H was part of that. The new H was running north.

My domestic experience with H here since MLC was just like what you describe, AndrewP. I find that I become paralyzed about projects, the life gets sucked out of me.

On the other hand, my goal is not to fix M but only to fix myself and to find God by serving him through this crisis. I want to be released from the slavery of cynicism and bitterness or revenge. I battle those feelings just as you do. For example this morning H wrote that he would like to "come home" early from his latest trip. I wanted to write back, "This is not your home." Thinking about that filled me with a righteous anger that felt good for a moment but then made my heart race and made me want to punch things. I prayed about it for a while and tried to imagine what forgiveness would look like, if I had any. So I wrote back that there was plenty of turkey and I would leave him some dinner as I would be at church. When I give up my right to judge, I have peace. No matter what H does before or during or after. It's not for him. It's for me to understand better what God's love is. It's like walking through a fire, to give up my right to vindication and my desire to "teach H a lesson." But after I walk through the fire, each time, I see God's love. I know that sounds crazy if you aren't a believer. I remember thinking it was crazy too.

XO to you both for visiting my thread; I always feel flattered that anyone out there is even listening, let alone taking the time to care enough to comment.

[Gerda]

something or other with bacon - pretty sure it is a vegetable, but it has bacon, probably ok then.

yes, that is the idea, everyone eats his brussel sprouts when it is roasted with bacon!

[DnJ]

Yummy bacon. Oh sooo good. Hey... wait.... there is something in my bacon. Man, what a way to trick me into eating my vegetables.

I am sure it does taste good, and I do eat vegetables.

Someday I might even try it. I still am working on the Butternut soup of Andrew, need to find time to make it, it is on the list.

I am always willing to try stuff. I don’t have any brussel sprouts, let’s see .... sausage, nachos and cheese. That should work, a reasonable substitution, now wrap it all in bacon.

Btw, the 95th birthday party was a good time, it was 2 1/2 hours away. It did rain, which turned into ice immediately, so fun ride home. Got home late, and posted some stuff about your fridge, some time during my post I got to thinking I was on your thread. Oh well, it is equally welcomed on either thread. Probably was due to a brussel sprout deficiency.

Have a good day. Will talk more later.

DnJ

[peacetoday]

Gerda

Wow- You said a lot!

the crises can be a vehicle for us to grow-if we let it-


I love what you said about Gods love, forgiving and giving up the right to judge
and walking through fire
If it is Gods will-and our focus is on God- It will be surely a blessing

the way you treat your H is amazing-

I feel the same- by letting go maybe we set ourselves up for Gods highest and best for us/everyone else
By letting go of control, others have the best chance to navigate their lives as they will
and we no longer have to spend energy on fixing them--as it can not be done-

[marina7]

Gerda,

Following along,

It doesn't sound crazy, I believe us LBS find a new love with God,

I always thank God for all my blessings but
I will admit having kids,work and basically trying to catch up
with society, there was days I forgot what I had is because of God
I admit me forgetting and focus more on kids,work and marriage...

I will admit this humble me down. Alot to me being a LBS was my awakening
from myself. We lose ourselves. I lost being me to make W happy

So I know now I thank God for all my blessings small or big I am so grateful.

I agree with many of us here, we all are here for a reason. I thank God for that.


Following along, and I know monstering MLC are just bat [censored] crazy... I
Rather have a vanisher anytime. But I know we all will get through this.

[Gerda]

Thank you, Marina -- You are such a kind soul.

I have been facing truly impossible circumstances that are related to the MLC but not directly the MLC -- I had tried to sell our biz after H went crazy and it has been in court for two years, me pro se fighting all alone and H refusing to know anything about it -- well, those people abandoned the space, leaving me personally liable for two years of sales tax they never paid and tons of other debts and the landlord ready to sue me for the rest of the lease term. I am in and out of court constantly, filing motions and everything on my own. And still i have all my other jobs on top of this plus the horrible divorce inching forward but my H still here and chatting with me if I am open and kind.

I truly feel like Job (the OT one, not our beloved board mother Job!) and sometimes I am so scared I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

But mostly I just talk to God, all day, and I tell him i am trying to trust Him, I am leaning on Christ, I am walking through the fire but I know He is walking with me, and sometimes I let myself free fall into His arms, and the trust fills me up with this impossible feeling of peace and joy. And sometimes I just let the terror overtake me instead.

But mostly I try to remember that this is the day God made, this one, with all of this in it, there is a Goodness here I don't understand yet but one day I will.