You are correct, the holidays are a more difficult time for us and the MLCer. They have old love, feelings, and thoughts pushing back into their addled emotional charged mind. It is very confusing for them and they will seek and find justification to further their cause and quell those annoying thoughts of a past reality.
This does pass, after holidays are over, they settle and continue on their solitary journey.
I know you understand the importance of detachment. You are making progress, even if at times it does not feel like it.
“Feel” - that is what it is about. Getting your feelings to not uncontrollably follow her feelings or actions. This takes time, keep the goal in mind, you will get there.
My W left at BD, destroyed everything, dumped me, the kids, house, money, cars, dogs, some of her clothes. Crazy times! I did find detachment, it was still months in the making. The thing is, it is a slow change from 0% detached and 100% attached, then a while later 10% / 90%, 20% / 80%, and so on. Then one day you realize, suddenly, hey I am not attached. You find detachment. Spoiler - you do lose it again. You see, that surprise moment happens when you are more detached than attached, let’s say 80 / 20, you will have had a stretch of good detached days, and it will hit you, that you actually did it.
The 20% will come back, don’t worry, it does not hurt nearly as much as it does when at 10/90. Eventually you will get to a point you will say and “feel” - I am detached.
My own journey I will say was atypical of the genrally summarized steps of grieving and healing, if such a thing makes sense. There is no “right” way to get through what you are facing. I found forgiveness early, for most it seems to be, a near the end moment of healing. You won’t just work on, and achieve, one state then move on to the next. While you are detaching, you are letting go, you are accepting, you are becoming indifferent. True somethings have to happen after others are achieved - like indifference, a few other things must be in place first.
My point is, that being apart might make detachment easier, somewhat, maybe. Like everything you, I, and everyone else struggles with, it is in your mind. That is not meant meanly or a discouragingly. Your W does not make you attached, does not prevent your detachment, it is all from you. Therefore no matter where you are, no matter where she is, it really doesn’t change your perspective, you mind is always with you and attached. However, as I said, not having her pushing buttons may make it easier.
You don’t need to move out for that space for yourself, just go out on your own for hours at a time as needed. Change your perspective on this, and you will get there.
I will add my voice and suggestions to the choices you face. Stay in the master bedroom, she wants to leave, not you - let her move to another bedroom. Stay in the house, again let her move out, and do the heavy lifting, let her own those decisions, do not do her dirty work for her.
I know you have received L advice to the contrary, and I am sure there is more to your situation, and reasoning and logic to your L’s point of view. If you have some concerns, which I am sensing you do, you could ask another L on their opinion of what you should do. This is probably one of the biggest decision of your life, financially huge, custody arrangements, etc... Seeking more than one opinion is a good idea, and a wise investment.
You know your situation better than anyone here. We all offer advice and suggestions, based on what worked for us, and the collective wisdom.
I looked at the advice and suggestions I received as an opportunity for me to ensure I was making decisions based on reason and true values and beliefs. That usually ends up as a question for you to ponder and find your answers.
Originally Posted by Hamburg
It is extremely difficult around the holidays but our dynamic is such that maybe it's better to be apart.
It maybe better to be apart - true.
Is it best?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
