Whilst I agree this process is about personal healing, it is also about trying to save our marriages. I know we can’t control them, their actions or their behaviours, should it not also follow that OUR actions and behaviours shouldn’t be designed to push them further away. It is a fine balance, regaining yourself AND not losing them more in the process.
One of my Hs ongoing “issues” with me through our M was how I dealt with conflict. I would shut down emotionally - to me this was processing - and then a few days later, I would be fine and things would go back to normal. His way of dealing was to blow up (in a passive aggressive manner) and then 10 mins later, he would be fine (no apology, no recognition that the event happened). He could not understand why I didn’t want to cuddle him on the sofa when 15 mins earlier he had had a go at me for something trivial - forgetting to put the recycling out,daring to have a different opinion about a political candidate. He blows up and is fine. I shut down, take some time, and then I’m fine. He use to say it was like I would flick a switch (detach) and then is flick it off again (not detached). So, my DBg could be for him, validation of all those resentments he felt.
For me - this is about being the lighthouse, no we don’t pave the road back with gold bricks and flowers, but sometimes it feels like we are purposely turning the light off - to leave them weathering the rocks on their own.
I don’t know - today, it just feels like he is really far away.
