Just journaling a bit. I knew this Thanksgiving holiday would be tough for me, regardless of having my family around me. I was correct.
Seeing two married siblings with kids of their own was tough, but I am thankful to have such great people in my life. Honestly, I don't struggle with missing my wife too much. Maybe a little bit, but it's more of what could have been. What I have been having a really hard time with is the self blame. I can't get over it. I talk to friends, family, my counselor and my pastor, and they all said I was dealt a bad hand, which I understand, but I can't help my mind from going back to what I could have changed in my marriage. To be more emotionally available for my wife when I was struggling so bad with my surgeries and depression. I focus on taking her for granted, but I am told it happens in marriage on both sides from time to time. Then I accept that and focus on her accusing me of emotional abuse. Again, this is nixed by people on the outside, but I continue to research if I am abusive, which clearly shows I am not. I have been told my whole life I have such a caring heart. Why is one person's lies able to cause me so much internal damage?!
Deep down I know I am nothing that my wife said, but I could have done better in our marriage. Why the heck do I keep focusing on what I could have changed. Apparantly this was a common theme for me my entire life. I think it goes back to having a perfectionist father that never verbally affirmed me when I succeeded. AIl I ever heard was about my shortcomings. Not making straight As,etc. I see how this came into my marriage, as I tried to show my wife love through physical touch when she just wanted to be affirmed and validated. I was more critical of shortcomings than understanding.That's on me and can be changed.
Does anyone have any insight on what the heck is going on in my mind? I have no doubt thtat things will be easier once the divorce is final, so maybe I need to give myself some credit for being so strong in not contacting my wife and trying to hold myself together. I'm obviously still in the throes of this ordeal. The only thing I focus on related to my marriage is the fact that my wife will end up with someone else. She is beautful on the outside, but rotten on the inside. Obviously I have some issues with putting physical attraction too high on my priority list.
Still have a ways to go, but I know I will find my groove eventually. Feels good to write this out, and one day I will look forward to coming back to this forum to read my posts, only to realize it was all part of a tough part of my life, but I am assured that I will realize it doesn't even affect me anymore. Not sure how much more I will post about my situation outside of how I am dealing with things (nothing about a potential reconciliation). I think it's about time to start contributing to others on this forum. Now that there is no hope I think I can provide others with some encouragement, while also seeking some therapy by helping others. Looking forward to helping in any way that I can.
Much love to all of you, and I hope everyone has a great rest of the Thanksgiving weekend with those that you love, and more importantly, those that love you back.
