Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[SoTorn]

overrnbw, thank you for the vote of confidence. I am happy to read your sitch too. It just takes me awhile to get through long threads!

ST, I think I see where you are coming from. You are saying that you have read the materials here and the general DB advice and you are already applying them, is that correct? You also say that you have already changed, but my thoughts are that we all have changed and that we all need to continue to change. Change doesn't ever stop. My H has been back several years now and we still both try to make positive changes and improve ourselves. We can't change or control each other, but we can look inside and change ourselves. The thing is, for a M to be successful, it takes two people willing to do that. Right now, she is unwilling, so your only choice is to let her go. That means your focus and time is better served on your own personal changes. DB is not about winning your S back, it's not a game to be won, it's about being the better option and hoping they will choose us.

I see that sandi is weighing in on your sitch on another thread and I think that great. She can speak to the mindset of a WW better than all of us here. I know your W is in a full blown A and I am sure it's hard to live in the same house as her. I think in some ways it is harder to DB and detach with the S right there, so I don't think physically separating is the worst thing. You spoke of moving out verses her moving out, and I just want to make sure that that choice is made because it is the best thing for the kids and for you, and not to prove a point to her or to try and control (ie punish) her. That was the sense I got from your earlier posts. You really need the advice of an L to make bug decisions like that.

I am going to wrap this up by saying basically what I said before and then I have no reason to repeat myself. You seem to have a lot of personal growth to do. There is a defensive, and somewhat entitled, quality to your posts and I fear you may be your own worst enemy in this. The thing is, you can follow the DB principles perfectly, and that will not guarantee your W will come back. Sadly, most do not. But if you can grow as a person and make some positive changes, you win no matter what. Does that make sense? I hope you will take my advice and go back and read all of the posts before mine and do some self reflection. Dig deep! Learn to let go of her, stop mind reading, and start validating what she is saying. Mostly I think you need to let your guard down and really look at the man/dad you have become in this and the man/dad you want to be. You (like all of us) still have many, many changes that can be made!

Blu

Yes I am following the DB rules. Being IHS is hard. I am truly just doing my best to leave her be and not argue. We aren't really even talking. We have had a few conversations in the last couple of days that revolved around a movie I saw. Again finances came up. I put my entire check towards bills. I asked WW how I can put more if there is none. I did tell her I feel like she is being punitive wanting me to fork over my entire check which leaves me with almost nothing when she can still have money left over. She backed off the finances.

I am definitely working on myself. I am not perfect. But yes I have been changing myself for a very long time. WW told me today that I dont understand and that I'm in denial. I asked her what she thought I was denying. She couldn't say. So I advised that I understand she wasnt happy in the marriage, my contribution to that and that I understand our relationship is over. I advised that I understand she is a different person and understand that I am as well. I advised her that I cannot control her and that I can only control me.

I actually told her that I forgive her. I truly do because I am not one to hold a grudge. I told her that I know I'll be fine and that our kids will eventually be fine. She agreed. I kept it short but I wanted to validate that I understand her feelings, which I do. We didnt argue.

Again WW has been around me a lot more. She isn't hiding anymore. But i have been out and about GAL. I went shopping with my brother. For now it's just like a cordial roommate relationship. I'm fine with that. I'm going to continue to bust my tail to better myself and strengthen my relationship with my kids.