Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[SoTorn]

Torn I just saw your posts today. I wrote a rather lengthy response and then had some kind of computer error......and lost it. So, I'll try to shorten this one by saying that it seems you have really been on the ball doing a lot of things that indicate you are moving onward, detaching, GAL, etc.

Can you tell us why your kids are saying they don't want to live with their mother? What are their ages? As I'm sure you know, even with full custody, she would still have them sometimes, and they would still be affected by her emotional detachment from them. As the "sane" parent, you have to do what you can to protect them. Just know that most (not all) WW's will fight to the death to prevent their H from getting full custody. Not b/c she really wants the kids that much, but b/c she doesn't want him to win. So, if you should decide to go for full custody, be prepared to die on that battle hill, b/c there's little chance of returning to a MR with her. You have to do what you think is best for your kids, and with your lawyer's legal advice......always. With the painful emotions you are experiencing, it's easy for it to influence your decisions. How could it not? So, it's good to have an outside source to give advice based on their experience, profession, etc.

In my series of threads about the mindset of the WW, I shared my opinion of how it's better if the father (the head of the family) remains in the marital bedroom and marital home. However, there are some cases where that's not possible. I agree that the WW should experience consequences of her decisions/actions. Even MWD says that in most cases, some type of loss has to be experienced, in order to influence her in the right direction. When she is in open rebellion, having a PA, etc., then the H usually has to make some hard decisions...…..if he wants to have self-respect and hopes to ever have a chance of her respecting him as a man....much less as her H. It may already be past that point with you, IDK. So, whatever you decide about moving, make sure all your ducks are in order, so it won't come back to bite you. IDK if you own your current home, or plan to buy another one...….but please, get legal advice about all of that stuff. We can give you our opinions/advice about the relationship matter, but when it comes to finances and legal matters......get it from the lawyers. And, don't ever trust a WW to do the "right thing" or "be fair".

I am strongly opposed to "in-house" separation, b/c it doesn't work. I've been active on this board for a little over eleven years now, and have never seen one case where it worked. On the other hand, I have seen cases where the couple physically separated and were later able to reconcile. One case on the board happened to be a couple who were both counselors. She was in a PA, even moved to another town, and they shared a little daughter. I'll try to remember to post you the link of the H's thread, b/c it was a success story. The point is that the WW has to believe she's lost/losing her H.....for real. As long as he continues being part of her life, she doesn't really feel the loss. She can tell when it's for real. People say, "Well, you share children, so you'll always be a part of her life". No, you have the same kids, but you don't have to share her life. There's a difference. Make a life for yourself.

As I think someone has previously stated, personalities often make a difference in how badly a WW acts. I haven't read your entire story yet, but it sounds like your WW is off and running. Some WW's are bullies. Some are spoiled, and have a sense of entitlement. Some are mean. Most are manipulators. All of them will check the H's emotional attachment temperature (temp check). All of them are angry at the H. All of them feel justified in doing what they do.....and blame the H for it. And, as one of my favorite people use to say...…...all cheaters lie.

Don't know if I addressed anything you wanted to know, but I'll find your thread and post more there.

Sandi,

I dont know if you have read my threads all the way through. I appreciate your responses. I'll give an update. So this stitch actually started about three years ago. I can admit, I was not a great husband. I have always worked hard, contributed etc. However I had some serious issues with communication and just outright not working with my WW on resolving issues. Three years ago WW said "I love you H, but if you dont better yourself and work on changes, I'm out"
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When WW told me that I made a HUGE effort to get my sh*t together. I honestly made some very significant changes. I became more attentive, practiced listening to understand etc. I went through a lot of counseling. I got to the understanding that a better me, with me being happy with myself would make a better H and parent.

It worked well, my career flourished, my relationship with my kids got very strong. For a short time my WW did notice and we were actually getting along much better. Than 1.5 years ago, my WW got a promotion under her current AP.

At the time, WW wasnt focused on an A, she was just focused on herself. I noticed that she wmstarted being a WAW. Just subtle changes here and there. But then about 6 months after her promotion she pulled away hard. This is where the kids not wanting to live with her comes in. WW got very bitter, resentful about everything at home, completely withdrew emotionally from the kids and I. The kids saw this and over time lost trust with WW.

I believe when WW started traveling a ton more and withdrew emotionally from the family is when the EA started. The kids tried to maintain a bond and she literally stonewalled them at every chance. WW destroyed her relationship with her kids. Then BD happened and she kept lying to them and trying to paint me in a bad light. Since the kids came to rely on me 100% of the time for everything, they see right through her lies. They still love her but they do not trust her.

Therein lies the conundrum. I am in an IHS. Although I noticed my WW coming back towards me a little bit, I dont believe that she is "getting" the hunt that I'm done. Of course I still love her and would reconcile. I'm just done feeling like a doormat. So my option is to move out. But if I do I will have to file for a D most likely.
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It's not that I would file for full custody. My D16 gets to decide where the two minor children live. So WW would be fighting against D16s decision and not mine. If i leave WW will probably start traveling to see OM again, which she was doing g sbout 80% of the time. So regardless, even though i would get the kids either full time or a majority of the time, i feel WW would make our lives hell and that it would make it nearly impossible to reconcile.

I have noticed WW has been around me more when i am home. She used to completely avoid me. Now she stays downstairs with me, she eats at the table with me. She is back to asking me where in going, where I have been etc. Shes worried about what my family thinks. This is all stuff she literally stopped doing and now is doing again.

For now i think I'll just stay in my home in the MBR. I am detached completely and GAL full tilt. I'm cordial to her. I have been treating her like a roommate. She literally asked me if "i was ok with this situation ". I reaffirmed that I do not live in an open marriage and that she knows my feelings about the affair. But otherwise I'm fine. She asked me why I dont want to leave and move on. I told her that I already moved on. I know just words, but she sees it. She was stunned when I said I was fine and that I moved on.

WW is going nuts that I'm not showing any of my previous behaviors. No more pleading, begging, jealousy, asking where she is or was, asking who shes talking to or texting etc. I'm actually seeing some of these behaviors in her which is odd. She constantly asks where I am now and where I an going. She was goi g to make dinner the other night and I started to leave. She asked where I was going. I just said "out" and she replied "well I never know when you are leaving or where you are going or how long you will be gone anymore because you dont tell me anymore, so it's hard for me to plan things like dinner"