Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[SoTorn]

Hi ST,

Sorry to hear of your Sitch. I have been following but haven't read every post. The replies I do read, I tend to grab what I can from them and apply them to my own sitch because most of us are going through the same thing.

I'm sorry to hear that you made these wonderful changes and W chose OM. I can imagine there is a lot of anger in that. I also sense the frustration you have from trying everything and it not working. You've tried the validation and it hasn't worked.

I will say this, I thought I was validating at first and several people told me I was doing it all wrong. Im a newbie to this and still learning, I am still going at it with a fresh look. I'm not saying you aren't doing the right things. Sometimes the right things at the wrong times matter. Sometimes even if you did all the right things with the right intentions, it's up to the other person. We still have to remind ourselves we can not change the other person. Keep GAL, 180, post.

BLU, I've read what you had to say and I take those things to heart as well. There's so much wonderful advice here and wonderful people taking their time. If only I had the ability to be able to read something once and really understand it all, I could be much happier and more assured.

ST, patience...as you've said, the biggest issue is your 180, you are doing things for her and not solely for yourself to improve you but it sounds like, rather, you are trying to change to something she would approve of. That wont work and it'll get you conflicted. Keep your mind open & heart open to the advice and listening.

Honestly I'm not trying to change for her. I am already changed. I can honestly say that besides detaching and GAL there isn't much else I can do besides 180. I'm just avoiding arguing with her. The detaching has worked wonders for my mental health. I have been much happier and sleeping much better.

I used to constantly have WW on my mind. No more. I can honestly say that everything I am doing is for myself. That's because I have no idea what she is looking for or what she is expecting besides she wants a D. But again I noticed she has been around me more when I am home. I still dont engage her unless she speaks to me.

If I'm frustrated with anything is trying hard to keep my kids happy and because of the IHS and WW being around always it's very hard to do this. I appreciate all of the feedback here.

I'll try to work on validating, even if what she is saying is wrong or blaming me. I'm happy to take ownership of my part of our unhappiness.

[SoTorn]

So the kids and I got back from my family dinner. WW stayed home alone. First thing she asked was "so what did you tell everyone that asked where I was?"

I kept it short and told her that nobody asked for her. Boy that pissed her off. She took that as "everyone knows" when in fact only my dad and mom know and they have told nobody. The rest of my family only cares to see me. So they wouldn't ask where WW is anyway.

I again had to de-escalate her. I asked WW to please stop making assumptions.

I am home now, sitting in my recliner. I refuse to hide. I will be going out with some friends later.

For now WW is not hiding either. She is sitting on the couch in our TV room with me. Not the same couch.

She told me some random stats about her pilates class. Just responded saying that's very cool. No further discussion.

[SoTorn]

Going to watch a movie now. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

[ovrrnbw]

End the cycle of combative behavior between you and your wife. She was clearly geared up and ready for it when you got home. Take the high road and show her peace and love is possible by telling her that you are disclosing your personal business to everyone when she asks about people asking about her. That would have been better than telling her to not assume.

Good luck and have fun on your GAL.

[SoTorn]

End the cycle of combative behavior between you and your wife. She was clearly geared up and ready for it when you got home. Take the high road and show her peace and love is possible by telling her that you are disclosing your personal business to everyone when she asks about people asking about her. That would have been better than telling her to not assume.

Good luck and have fun on your GAL.

I didnt tell her to not assume.

I first told her that nobody asked and that I didnt share what was going on. She responded with "yeah right" to which I responded "please dont assume these things"


There was no combativeness. There is no cycle of combativeness. WW tries to make a cycle of confrontation, which has been softening. But I have not once been drawn into an argument.

[SoTorn]

Well. Another day with both WW and I off. WW still calling AP. However she leaves to do it now at least.

[BluWave]

overrnbw, thank you for the vote of confidence. I am happy to read your sitch too. It just takes me awhile to get through long threads!

ST, I think I see where you are coming from. You are saying that you have read the materials here and the general DB advice and you are already applying them, is that correct? You also say that you have already changed, but my thoughts are that we all have changed and that we all need to continue to change. Change doesn't ever stop. My H has been back several years now and we still both try to make positive changes and improve ourselves. We can't change or control each other, but we can look inside and change ourselves. The thing is, for a M to be successful, it takes two people willing to do that. Right now, she is unwilling, so your only choice is to let her go. That means your focus and time is better served on your own personal changes. DB is not about winning your S back, it's not a game to be won, it's about being the better option and hoping they will choose us.

I see that sandi is weighing in on your sitch on another thread and I think that great. She can speak to the mindset of a WW better than all of us here. I know your W is in a full blown A and I am sure it's hard to live in the same house as her. I think in some ways it is harder to DB and detach with the S right there, so I don't think physically separating is the worst thing. You spoke of moving out verses her moving out, and I just want to make sure that that choice is made because it is the best thing for the kids and for you, and not to prove a point to her or to try and control (ie punish) her. That was the sense I got from your earlier posts. You really need the advice of an L to make bug decisions like that.

I am going to wrap this up by saying basically what I said before and then I have no reason to repeat myself. You seem to have a lot of personal growth to do. There is a defensive, and somewhat entitled, quality to your posts and I fear you may be your own worst enemy in this. The thing is, you can follow the DB principles perfectly, and that will not guarantee your W will come back. Sadly, most do not. But if you can grow as a person and make some positive changes, you win no matter what. Does that make sense? I hope you will take my advice and go back and read all of the posts before mine and do some self reflection. Dig deep! Learn to let go of her, stop mind reading, and start validating what she is saying. Mostly I think you need to let your guard down and really look at the man/dad you have become in this and the man/dad you want to be. You (like all of us) still have many, many changes that can be made!

Blu

[ovrrnbw]

End the cycle of combative behavior between you and your wife. She was clearly geared up and ready for it when you got home. Take the high road and show her peace and love is possible by telling her that you are disclosing your personal business to everyone when she asks about people asking about her. That would have been better than telling her to not assume.

Good luck and have fun on your GAL.

I didnt tell her to not assume.

I first told her that nobody asked and that I didnt share what was going on. She responded with "yeah right" to which I responded "please dont assume these things"


There was no combativeness. There is no cycle of combativeness. WW tries to make a cycle of confrontation, which has been softening. But I have not once been drawn into an argument.

Just to clarify, I meant to say tell your W you are not disclosing your personal business. It's just a way to deescalate.

[SoTorn]

overrnbw, thank you for the vote of confidence. I am happy to read your sitch too. It just takes me awhile to get through long threads!

ST, I think I see where you are coming from. You are saying that you have read the materials here and the general DB advice and you are already applying them, is that correct? You also say that you have already changed, but my thoughts are that we all have changed and that we all need to continue to change. Change doesn't ever stop. My H has been back several years now and we still both try to make positive changes and improve ourselves. We can't change or control each other, but we can look inside and change ourselves. The thing is, for a M to be successful, it takes two people willing to do that. Right now, she is unwilling, so your only choice is to let her go. That means your focus and time is better served on your own personal changes. DB is not about winning your S back, it's not a game to be won, it's about being the better option and hoping they will choose us.

I see that sandi is weighing in on your sitch on another thread and I think that great. She can speak to the mindset of a WW better than all of us here. I know your W is in a full blown A and I am sure it's hard to live in the same house as her. I think in some ways it is harder to DB and detach with the S right there, so I don't think physically separating is the worst thing. You spoke of moving out verses her moving out, and I just want to make sure that that choice is made because it is the best thing for the kids and for you, and not to prove a point to her or to try and control (ie punish) her. That was the sense I got from your earlier posts. You really need the advice of an L to make bug decisions like that.

I am going to wrap this up by saying basically what I said before and then I have no reason to repeat myself. You seem to have a lot of personal growth to do. There is a defensive, and somewhat entitled, quality to your posts and I fear you may be your own worst enemy in this. The thing is, you can follow the DB principles perfectly, and that will not guarantee your W will come back. Sadly, most do not. But if you can grow as a person and make some positive changes, you win no matter what. Does that make sense? I hope you will take my advice and go back and read all of the posts before mine and do some self reflection. Dig deep! Learn to let go of her, stop mind reading, and start validating what she is saying. Mostly I think you need to let your guard down and really look at the man/dad you have become in this and the man/dad you want to be. You (like all of us) still have many, many changes that can be made!

Blu

Yes I am following the DB rules. Being IHS is hard. I am truly just doing my best to leave her be and not argue. We aren't really even talking. We have had a few conversations in the last couple of days that revolved around a movie I saw. Again finances came up. I put my entire check towards bills. I asked WW how I can put more if there is none. I did tell her I feel like she is being punitive wanting me to fork over my entire check which leaves me with almost nothing when she can still have money left over. She backed off the finances.

I am definitely working on myself. I am not perfect. But yes I have been changing myself for a very long time. WW told me today that I dont understand and that I'm in denial. I asked her what she thought I was denying. She couldn't say. So I advised that I understand she wasnt happy in the marriage, my contribution to that and that I understand our relationship is over. I advised that I understand she is a different person and understand that I am as well. I advised her that I cannot control her and that I can only control me.

I actually told her that I forgive her. I truly do because I am not one to hold a grudge. I told her that I know I'll be fine and that our kids will eventually be fine. She agreed. I kept it short but I wanted to validate that I understand her feelings, which I do. We didnt argue.

Again WW has been around me a lot more. She isn't hiding anymore. But i have been out and about GAL. I went shopping with my brother. For now it's just like a cordial roommate relationship. I'm fine with that. I'm going to continue to bust my tail to better myself and strengthen my relationship with my kids.

[SoTorn]

So I woke up today to a lengthy text pointing out every single negative of the past that WW can dig up to justify what she is doing.

Yesterday I got my paycheck and I put half of my check into our joint account. WW got angry and started saying that she needed more money in the account. Unfortunately, I relented and transferred the remainder of my check in the account. The only items that have my name on them are the house, my car and my credit card. My car is on our insurance and thats it.

WW in her text stated that I lost weight now and too bad I didnt do that a long time ago, even though I have been working on losing weight since April 2018. WW told me that I was just losing weight to show off for people. WW seems to be very angry that I lost weight now and that I look really good.

WW is obviously still in the affair and trying to control me through money and by complaining about my progress as a person that she can see. WW believes that I dropped 80lbs since BD and doesn't see that I have been doing it a while.

I had transferred half of my check into the joint account which is more than enough for half of the mortgage payment. I paid my car payment already.

So, I have this in mind. WW is trying to get me to use my entire paycheck for what she wants. If I do this, I won't have any $$ left over for myself. I think its fair that since WW put us in this situation and since she makes more money that she pays all of the bills that are in her name. I am happy to pay half of whats in my name.

Should I remove my financial assistance beyond those bills? Should I move my vehicle into my own insurance under my name? I pay for WW's moms phone on my employee cell account. Should I set that phone up for cancel and let her take it to another carrier and pay for it?

I am thinking that I will set up my own insurance for my car, cancel that line and only pay half of the mortgage and WW can pay the rest of the bills which she can easily afford. The rest of the bills are in her name. WW has house cleaners, Comcast Cable that I never watch etc.