Hi Paco - wow, you have put a lot of thought into this already, far more than most of us when we first join. Like Davide said, most of us who first join are curled up in the fetal position wondering what the heck is going on and looking for magic bullets. You seem to be much more aware both of your own feelings and that of your wife. I have, after a year, uncurled from the fetal position, am no longer looking for magic bullets, but if I am honest, I am still wondering what the heck happened.
Limbo is not the best places to find ourselves. I persevere though because, like you, I see it as existential angst, a necessary stage we must go through in order to move to the next phase of our lives - though MLC is easier to explain to most people. Shorthand is shorthand for a reason.
I liken it to my 12 year old daughter, who is just now saying goodbye to her childhood. As part of this she feels compelled to exert her independence. Some of it is minor (gets embarrassed when we drop her off at school and call her darling), some of it is major (testing the boundaries of our patience with her). She does not hate her mother yet, but I know that is to come. I expect it to come. I loosen the rope for her, let her explore, and when she gets scared, then she can use the rope to come back. Freedom to work out who she is with the safety net that I will always be there. I have to admit though, that like my H, I do not always like the way she behaves, but like my H, I will continue to love her unconditionally. The difference I guess is I know that my daughter will go through this (8 years I think) and will come back. She will be different but she will also be my loving daughter again. My H, I am not so sure will return to me once he is out of the tunnel. There are a myriad of reasons why he might not want to R - he might come out and decide that the new him is happy, he might have found someone else, he might be too proud/stubborn to return or the guilt of what he has done might be too much for him. I am also not so sure if I will have the patience or the stamina to wait my husbands crises out. I will always love him, but I may also have moved on. I live my life day to day. Today I am standing.
Originally Posted by paco123
I believe individuals need and want an unshakable sense of self to live a life of wholeness and integrity. During the times I lost touch with this myself, I know I relied on distractions to soothe my soul.
I think you give most people too much credit. Very few people have an unshakable sense of self. Very few people are this self aware. Most people are lucky if they can live their lives in a state of contentment. It is when you start to be discontent (with yourself, your home, your job) that the angst you spoke about starts. But, like I said, I think at some point everyone questions their lives. The degree of damage you cause when you go through this process depends on a) whether you internalize or externalize fault and b) if your nature tends towards contentment or not.
Originally Posted by paco123
The other part of me wants to emotionally, mentally, and physically move on to other relationships, because I continue to want to know and to be known by some other in an intimate way, in the context of an unconditional, life-long commitment. For those of you who have persevered and held on to hope over many years, my whining over my own 10 months in limbo must seem infantile.
It isn't infantile. It is how you feel - and I get this, we all want a physical connection. It is part of being human. My question is - is this irrespective of whether you reconcile with your wife or not?
Originally Posted by paco123
As my oldest daughter put it: “is this the new normal or just an aberration?” If I knew for certain it is the latter, I would wait indefinitely.
Yes - the new normal is infinitely difficult to navigate (mainly because it changes from day to day).
