Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[sandi2]

While I don't believe in divorce, I've been thinking that I need to prepare for it as she might make that decision for me, or leave me rethinking my own beliefs on the matter.

Some people don't believe in a heaven and hell, but my advice to them is that they had better make preparations now. We may not agree with divorce or want it, but ignoring the reality is not very smart. So, getting legal advice and doing whatever you need to do to protect your rights is smart. You don't discuss it with her. Your business is private. It may feel strange, but those days of sharing with her every move you make is over. Some WW's make some very underhanded moves when they start to get custody or divorce, so you can't trust her. She's not that young, helpless girl any longer.

As for the boundaries, I've been trying to figure that out. It seems everything I've read says to never leave the home.

What does that have to do with your boundaries? Do you even know what your boundaries are? Have you read the boundaries thread Cadet posted to you? I suggest you not say anything to her about something being your boundary, until you know what you are doing.

Well, it is preferable for the faithful spouse to remain in the home, but in some cases, it's not possible for various reasons. Moving out, or not, is why you need legal advice. Some have said it makes no difference in custody, b/c everything is 50/50, while others say the lawyer suggests to stay in the home. Ask a local attorney.

So not sure about a physical separation. Not sure if I asked her to leave if she would? I'm thinking not, unless I threaten exposure to the family/church/friends. That may be the final nail in the coffin of our M.

If you have physical separation, then you have your kids 50% of the time. It's not like you abandoned them. One of you would have to find another place to live. If one person can't handle the mortgage, then sell the house. Yes, it is serious and tough stuff, b/c this is what you do when you are not willing to live in open marriage. How do you think she would ever have respect for you if you passively sit back while she sleeps with OM?

You are hesitant about physical separation, but would expose her to everyone? I don't suggest you threaten her with this type of exposure in order to force her to end her affair. I suggest you not threaten a WW with anything. It shows more strength, character and honor, when a man physically separates from his adulterous W, rather than threaten to expose her to the world. Just for the record, I'm not saying you need to lie for her.

Why do I still want her?

B/c she doesn't want you. B/c she turned to another man. B/c you are afraid of losing her. B/c you are dependent on her. B/c you have this family picture that is your identity with the community, all your friends, the church, etc. You see yourself as a family man.....and don't know how to be anything else.

It would be much easier to just say screw this and move on with my life,

I don't believe a word of that statement, for the reasons I just stated above. You are scared to death to move on with your life without her, and that's why you are trying to figure out how to stay with a cheating wife.