Thanks. I started to detach about a month ago and she accused me of having an affair, asking where I was going, etc... today, she got mad at me today because she said hello and I did not respond.
She seems pretty certain she wants D but I am going to let her make the first move with regards to orders (we already filed in july). I also see M as a commitment until death do us part. She has some stalling techniques, especially with finding a job, but I can't help but feel being used for finances and a nice home. I have grown a tremendous amount in the past 4 months and find myself caring less and less about the situation. Sometimes I think the only way she will see the light is if we get D and her world crashes around her.
Gerda has given you some excellent advice. You need to step back, focus on you, and let W do what it is she needs to do. And yes some MLCers have to go all the way to divorce and burn their entire life down around themselves, in hopes that they may wake up - and even then some don’t. My own W is on such a path, so much destruction.
Keep working on yourself. I am glad you have made such strides in your growth over the previous 4 months, keep at it - it is very much worth it. You are worth it, worth all that hard work. Don’t forget who you are really doing it for - You!
While agitated is not the time to make long term plans. Do what you need to do to protect you and kids, to ensure your future. Then step back, give her space and time, and allow yourself to settle. Work on your healing, and then you can make those long term plans and decisions. I guarantee things will look a whole lot different to you then, and we will have a much different conversation.
You know this is a marathon, for you and her. It helps to have a heading, a general idea on where to go, a beacon to find you way out of the dark. My personal heading was, and still is, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. I am sure everyone would want that peace, it is what we are striving for. So lock that in, keep that long term ideal in mind. When you act, respond, decide - work towards your goals. They are surprising closer than you might realize, we just keep pushing them back.
To be honest and fair, there will be times when necessary actions or decisions will be less desirable, down right ugly and horrible. They are necessary and you can still be kind and compassionate in the performance of them. Stick to the higher road, when all this is over, no matter what happens, you will be so grateful you did.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Your wife is in the early stages of replay. Replay may take years to work through. She will question/doubt herself about what she is doing and then still do those things because she feels she has to. I am going to suggest that you try to put the "stages of MLC" out of your mind for a while. Those stages are nothing more than a guideline to help you better understand some of the actions that they exhibit
She is going to do whatever she needs to do to take away the pain, i.e., it could be drinking, drugs, shopping until she drops, gambling, exercising, and OM. She will try many things along the way and when one thing doesn't work, she'll try something else.
She doesn't know what she wants and yes, she is going to do a whole lot of projecting on to you. For example, if you don't tell her who you are meeting up with, she will accuse you of having an affair, etc. Don't buy into her drama. Leave her to her own mess.
You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. She has to do that and she will in her own time, which is very slow.
Read as much as you can about depression (the main ingredient of MLC) and MLC. Ignore the timelines because each person is unique, therefore their crisis will be unique.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for patience!
BTW, why aren't you sleeping in the Master Bedroom? If she's not happy, she should have been the one to move out of that room.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For the bedroom thing, attorney advised me not to ruffle unnecessary feathers because she can file for temporary orders which hit me hard financially.
She came home at 3am. I was up most of the night tossing and turning.
I knocked on her door around 645 to ensure she was home so I could leave for work (has a loaner vehicle and not parking in garage and i cannot see driveway without going outside).
She said i am not her parent and dont need to check up on her. I told her my intentions. She then said i came home earlier and didn't say hello to her and that set her off. Then I stupidly asked if the was with OM and she denied. She said she never asks who I am with and I reminded her she does this on a daily basis. She asked why didn't I text her during the night if I was concerned. I said we need space. I also reminded her we would extend the courtesy to let one another know if we would not be home when the other gets home with the kids. Just a yes or no, not specific times or anything else. I said I am glad she had some time to herself. She reminded me I left for 2 days without mentioning whereabouts. I told her I just found out she is cheating on me and I needed time. She said she is not cheating and the M is over.i said we will see what a judge thinks about it and walked out.
Not my best of moments but during replay 1 she begged me to remove infidelity as the reason for divorce and turned a corner when she suspected I was going after kids. I did not have solid proof of infidelity then but I do now. She does not know what this is though.
I thought her being out all night would slow down but it has happened twice in the past week. It is a school holiday so perhaps it will slow next week. It does bother me, some concern of who she is with but also in terms of her safety. She has never been one to stay out late.
We will see what the next few days brings. During replay 1 she swore she would file temp orders but never did, even during heated moments. We also fought like cats and dogs during replay 1 for about 3 weeks and then things calmed. It's strange because I have expectations of how this will go based on the past but it is terribly unpredictable. The only difference now is that I am not pursuing her anymore.
As for what set her off. I did say hello back but I guess she did not hear me.
If you can stand still for a while and work on just you- work on the relationship with your kids work on healing your pain work on forgiving her and the loss of the old M
watch the situation watch her actions put limits on the funds-and watch because they do spend- maybe be supportive, cordial accepting for now let her go-but work on you more will be revealed later
some people stand for longer than others many stand until we see no further hope- some stand for ever anyway you choose is ok we each have a choice based on our specific situation
but to stand back for a year or 2 is a good option
because it gives you time to reflect there is no where really to go anyway except within to heal so what does it matter where she is or where you are
practice being accepting detaching and letting go- difficult yes--but it is the higher road takes more patience than many of us care to practice that will take a while-but it will set you up for a more peaceful and fulfilled life with or without her-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I agree w/Peace...you have to try to sit quietly and allow things to progress w/her. You need to keep the focus on you and your children.
I noticed she stated that you aren't her parent and yet, she wondered why you didn't text her. She is looking at you as a father figure and she is saying one thing and then something else.
Please, please stop talking to her about the OM. You are doing nothing more than pushing them closer together by doing this. The less you bring him up, the better. He is a band aid to her pain right now. He is probably fun, has no responsibilities and is listening to her tales of woe. I know it's difficult, but he not worth your aggravation at the moment. You've got to turn your focus on to your kids because they need you now more than ever.
Dig deeper for patience. If you stop and really listen to what she's saying, she just may tell you something about herself and what she's dealing with. We all have had to learn and dig deeper for patience, compassion and listening without offering advice to our crisis people. We are fixers and that is another area that we all need to work on...we can't fix them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. I know what she feels based on her words and actions. She still wants me to say hello, have wine with her on the patio and be her friend. She started smoking again and invited me out the other night to join her. It seems her thoughts of me having an A thrusted her (poor choice of words I know) toward him. I heard her crying and begging him to tell her she's not a bad person. Then making out/ ILY began during a crying spell. It is so unhealthy. She had a terrible night and says me not saying hello threw her into a frenzy yesterday. 2 nights ago I told her I fell out of love with her and understand how she feels about me and she began to cry.
I have been working on myself in many ways. More recently I have reconnected with friends and see them frequently. I took a few days off from the kids but took then out last night and had a good time. I plan on taking then out tomorrow night as well. I haven't shed a tear in weeks and am upbeat most of the time.
This is a difficult process. Part of me wants to sit with her, have wine and talk but another part wants to completely detach. But detachment led to her thinking I am having an A and not saying hello spurs craziness (I did see her face after that and she was very upset). I cannot seem to find a happy medium here.
And there are no rules because only you know all the details
We all say focus on you and the kids because that is what works
Whether or not you can be friends while she is with OM
That is up to you
I could not do that because it hurt too much and I told my w that
She wanted to tell me all about him and introduce him to me like I was her father
I said I wanted to know nothing about him nor ever meet him
She envisioned we would all be friends
The fact I would not play along pissed her off
So better for you to just focus on you and the kids
Let her go not in a vindictive way but just that you have much better things to do than get caught up in her circus
And you do
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You can't rationalize with someone who is irrational and bouncing off the walls. That is why we advise not to try to analyze their every move of comment that they make. You can't please them.
Keep the focus on YOU and your children. Leave her to her madness.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
