I know I don't need a partner to survive. Though I am fine in social settings, and most people would say I was a 'fun' person to be around, if you dig a little deeper, my external extroversion is just a means of controlling my introversion. My H was right, given half the choice I would be content spending the rest of my life with my family. That was the plan. We would spend these years putting our children first, making sure they felt loved and secure, and then, when they left the nest, we would retire comfortably and spend our days travelling. We would keep this big house as a base for our children, who would visit for sunday lunch with their families and our grandkids would spend holidays with us. That's all gone. I am crying now as that future is in tatters. Our house will be sold. He will still travel the world (only affordable because he gets free flights) without me.
The fact that the future is unknown for me now should excite me. But it does not.
He came by the morning to take the children to school and there was more evidence of passive aggressive behavior. He is losing control and he does not like it. There was a couple of things said which upset him. I am going out tomorrow to meet a friend and can't help with childcare logistics (it is his day and I shouldn't have to 'help out'), I did not volunteer to buy the family Christmas cards this year and I reminded him that I still do not have the childcare schedule for December. He didn't say much really - just wouldn't look me in the eye. Normally he fusses over the girls until they are ready. This morning he took the bags to his car and sat in his car for 10 minutes until I sent the girls out. He didn't even say goodbye to me. No pretense that everything is as it should be. No rainbows and unicorns on his side of the fence this morning.
Mind reading. But I know my H and to be honest, his reaction today (to go and sit in his car) is unlike him. Normally, when he does not like something I say, he finds someway to turn it around and have a go at me ("you are selfish", "you are cold", "you do not care about your children") but today, he went quiet and then sat in his car. He made some nominal attempts to regain control "Make sure you're back by 5 tomorrow", "I will meet you at football on Sunday" (instead of picking me up as he usually does} but it was a fairly lame attempt.
I keep thinking, is this bringing us closer or further apart. It seems we are back in the IHS days when he was angry all the time. The difference now I guess is he knows he has no right to be angry, so instead of yelling at me, he goes and sits in his car.
