Obvious newcomer here, let me lay out my situation.
Married 6.5 years, 2 boys, 14 and 3 (14 year old is from prior abusive relationship, but I love him as my own)
BD: My wife asked for a divorce 23 Oct, the day after I returned from a hunting trip. She is not willing to reconcile or go to couples’ counseling, but she has stated that she is pursuing individual therapy.
Before the BD: I knew she wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know why and she wouldn’t tell me when I asked her prior to that point. I had been reading up on what makes a good marriage and how to be a better husband, I even downloaded a bunch of audiobooks and podcasts to take on my hunting trip. She had been extremely distant in recent months, obviously avoiding me and indirectly avoiding the kids. I initially thought this was because she was exploring a new passion that was time consuming (creating an online community; I encouraged her to pursue it because I knew she wasn’t happy and I thought it would help, which it has to some degree), but I eventually realized something was wrong with the amount of avoidance, especially how it affected the kids. I confronted her about it and things somewhat improved with the kids, but not with her and me. I knew something had to be done about the marriage so I committed myself to finding out our issues and being a better man/husband.
We have always been good friends. Our fights have been few and minor, and we are always able to reach a quick and mutually agreed upon resolution. We make excellent teammates, but made a lousy couple. Let me explain: We started off as best friends, for a long time. Things turned romantic right before I was stationed overseas (military) and we pursued a 2 year LDR - this relationship was amazing, we connected on a whole new emotional level (and physical when I took leave) and when I returned to the states, we got married. In this next part, I am going to focus exclusively on my faults in the marriage; I will get to hers eventually.
When we got married and moved in together, I realize now that I stopped pursuing her emotionally. This was my first long-term relationship (> 6 months) and I never received the wisdom or gained the insight on my own (due to being naive) to understand that the “Honeymoon” phase that is full of great interactions, both emotional and physical, would eventually end. I truly believed that our shared history and the vows we took would carry us forever. We got to the routine part of the relationship, but I failed to pursue the emotional connection we had. After reading the 5 Love Languages, I realize that I was trying to connect romantically on a whole different level than she needed. I need physical touch, primarily, and she needs quality time together. We both failed to make quality time for each other - life got busy with careers, school (she started on her Master’s degree and I started my Bachelor’s when she graduated), and kids. I also let myself go in a number of ways - I stopped living my own life as an individual, especially in the social arena. I also let myself go physically during the pregnancy of our youngest. Long story short, I stopped being the attractive person she fell for. She “fell out of love” with me 2-3 years ago wherein the relationship became nearly sexless.
She carries around a lot of emotional baggage. Her relationship with her family is rocky at best and she experienced a truly abusive relationship that our oldest was born from. Because of this, when she reaches a certain level of frustration or resentment, she shuts down. This happened between us, though her resentment never came across as anger or anything, and I honestly don’t think she knows how much resentment was built up over the years. I didn’t realize I had been shut out emotionally as we operated as such a good team in every other realm of family life, but I see it clear as day now. She never communicated her emotional/romantic needs or expectations to me, or the fact that she was finding me less attractive - I believe this is because the changes were gradual and she felt the same way about the marriage that I did, that it would just endure. She also has body image issues that comes and goes - overall she is a very confident, beautiful person, but there are chips in the armor so to speak.
That’s the backdrop for where I am now. I was crushed by the BD, I did all the wrong things for the first week. I pleaded for another chance, wrote long emotional letters and emails, and failed to give her any space. I turned to the internet to find answers (I wasn’t ready to admit anything to friends or family yet) and I found this website and a slew of other resources. I read DR and got into IC. Most resources say the same general concept - I cannot control her decision and the more I try, the further I push her away. I need to GAL, work on the things I can control, and focus on being the best father I can. I’ve done a lot of reflection on how we got to this point (especially my role) and I’ve implemented the 180 and the LRT, but I feel like my situation is weird or unique in a way (just like everyone else). She wants to cohabitate in the marital home for the kids after the divorce. I know this stunts moving on emotionally (though my oldest and I seem to be doing well - I am actively monitoring his behavior), but logistically/financially it makes a lot of sense. It also makes giving and getting space more difficult. We have moved to separate bedrooms, but still share many things in the house. Essentially, the whole situation is a complicated mess. When we do hangout in the house, things are pretty good; I think sometimes she forgets that we’re getting divorced.
I know that she was faithful up until the point of the BD, but I am not sure if she still is. We talked about sexual boundaries during this period, but she clearly stated that nothing was off the table at the moment and she needed to “discover herself”. The only rule she would agree to was not to bring anyone to the house or introduce the kids when she gets into a relationship. We are switching off weeks for who has responsibility for the kids and she spends at least one night of her week “without” the kids at another person’s house, but I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell. She seemed very reluctant to start anything physical at the moment, but I am planning for the worst and hoping for the best.
Despite all the turmoil and uncertainty, I love my wife and want her to come back to the marriage. I know things can never be the same and I honestly wouldn’t want that. I hold a very strong conviction against divorce and I feel like there is a whole field of stones left unturned to resolve our issues. When we talk, I feel like there is hope. She’s seen major changes in me within these last 4.5 weeks (without me advertising) and she seems determined to follow through with divorce. I know that she didn’t come to this decision quickly and she won’t come out of it quickly, if at all, but I remain hopeful.
DB steps I’ve taken so far: 1. Stopped pursuing and asking questions 2. Started talking and hanging out with other people 3. Read/listened to a lot of self-improvement books and podcasts (if you need some cathartic listening, the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” is great. I use it as an emotional release on occasion. 4. Started investing time into my hobbies 5. Spend time with my wife when she initiates conversation (fairly often) 6. Started working out and dieting, though I feel like I’m going overboard on the diet (lost 18lbs since D-Day, but feel fine - just hungry mostly) 7. I’ve read a ton of stuff on this forum, especially from Cadet and Sandi2 Exercising more leadership in the power dynamic (Trying to stop being such a pushover/nice guy)
The point of this post is this: 1. What is your take on my situation? 2. For those who neglected their social lives (aka codependent), what were your winning strategies and tactics with GAL? 3. Besides GAL, what other steps should I be taking? 4. What boundaries do you suggest I implement? How and why? 5. If you have any book/show/etc. suggestions, please share. 6. Anything else you think might help me in my pursuit of healing myself and potentially the marriage.
Also, sorry for the wall of text and the lack of coherent organization.
