Today I sent the email enquiring about the week away in Feb. I think I am definitely going to do it. It is a yoga / ski retreat in France. It looks utterly amazing. The only thing holding me back is the photos on the website and instigram are all of people who not only look like they having been doing yoga since birth, but are so ridiculously photogenic they could be professional models. I am going to do it anyway. Face my fears is the mantra of the moment.
I also treated myself to one of those cupping massages. It looks like two alien snakes have made there way on either side of my spine. Either that or I have taken up with some weird cult. Luckily it is winter over here so I can hide it under turtlenecks and jackets.
Lastly, I started my Christmas shopping. Well, started my Christmas browsing. Christmas shopping might have to wait until I have slightly more time and energy. I can't believe it has come around so quickly. It is impossible, as the Christmas decorations start coming out in the shops, to not think about last year. Last year was horrible. It was at the height of H's alien behavior. This time last year I was walking around on eggshells wondering what the hell had happened to my marriage. He was still here sulking in the living room, giving me dirty looks whenever he saw me and daring me to say something, anything, so he could have a reason to have a go at me. Looking back, I can't believe I made it through that. On the positive side, it is a sign of how far I have come. Sure, he no longer lives here, but these days, he doesn't look at me with utter contempt and I don't walk around wondering what I can do to not set him off.
Stream of consciousness vomit ...
I was reading a thread earlier which talks about the 'existential' crises. I didn't want to hijack his thread, so am doing a little stream of consciousness vomit here.
I have heard MLC described in these terms before. It was the term I used during MC to describe to the therapist what I thought was happening. I didn't want our marriage problems to be written off as a cliché. But seeing it in print today made me think about it again. I think we all have them - moving from one stage of our life to another, like a teenager leaving behind their childhood. We start to question who we are, the choices we made and whether we are happy with our lives and the direction it is going. When we go through this process, I think everyone probably finds some element of their lives lacking. You would have to in order to grow. Some of us internalize this and look at what changes we can make to ourselves. Others, externalize and blame others, and are left with that feeling, if only they could get away from their current lives, then they could be 'the person they were supposed to be'. My H had his crises earlier than I, and he chose the second path. I think we as the LBS are forced into having our crises early. Detach, GAL, 180 - these are tools to help us navigate not only our partners crises, but also our own. I see positive changes in me. I see snippets of the fearless girl with the world at her feet that use to be before a career, a household and mundaness of motherhood. I hope to see more of her. I hope to be able to see the world with the same wonder and optimism that I once did. My H, as long as he blames everyone but him for what is lacking, will never get to the next stage of his life. He will forever be stuck looking externally for what is lacking inside of him.
