Ahhh...FS. You are always there when I need you. You remember correctly... he is very conflict avoidant... also has articulated a number of times that he feels he has “no right” to object to any of my feelings or demands [not that I’ve made any]. I am sure there are things in the email he wants to argue. And I suspect he will in time given that I gave him a deadline (December 15th) to complete the changeover to separate accounts, etc... He is also a procrastinator so that will not serve him well in this instance either. As I told him... “I don’t agree with any of this but I won’t stop you. You will have to do the work.” That will likely stop him for awhile. His circus, his monkeys.
Interesting observation about your friend. I wonder that about my H. I can’t imagine being him, with all of the pretending he has done for so many years, and trying to start something with someone else. It would just be more lying, wouldn’t it? How could he not lie to a new person? How could he actually be honest with them when he can’t even be honest with himself? I asked him about the frantic texts he had sent me early on in this sitch when he was talking about wanting to come home and being ashamed, and not wanting to face anyone followed by texts about the things he wanted to do to “get better” and random “I love you’s”. You know what he said? He said, “That was just me wanting to fill up some holes that I knew were there.” He actually convinced himself that the holes he was trying to fill were MINE. WTF?? I am not the one with holes here buddy. It is YOU that has holes to fill. Stop making this about me!!!! Crazy the lack of insight that he has. But again...too painful to go there. It will be interesting to see what his counsellor does with him. He told me Sunday he has an appointment. With who and how good they are, I don’t know. Fingers crossed he gets someone who will challenge him and not just nod their head and focus on helping him develop coping skills. But...not something I can control. I have thought about going to IC as well but have decided against it for now. I’m actually doing pretty well considering and I find this board as therapeutic as I would seeing a counsellor. I will keep an open mind about it for sure but for now, I will just keep moving forward as best I can. I feel fortunate in that respect. My H is moving on as well but given everything he has done, he will never feel truly absolved of his past and there will come a time in his life when he will look back and wonder if he could have made different choices. I won’t need to do that. I know that I did the best with the information that I had and that I had no choice. I want to be a completely different human by this time next year.
I don’t think my resolve is much different from yours FS. You have made a ton of progress and I still think you are ahead of me in that regard. I know that I will backslide from time to time and I accept it. But it won’t be that far back and it won’t be that long. For instance, after my little pity party, I got my butt off my bed and packed up the rest of his stuff from our master bedroom. It is now 100% mine...nothing of his remains. It actually feels pretty good.
