Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[SoTorn]

Hi ST,

I've been here for awhile, but don't like to post unless I have read an entire thread. If I had more time in a day, I would reply more often to more people. I'm a W who had a WH return and have been piecing for several years now. I read all of your posts. Your responses are a bit maddening, so I had to weigh in! You have some of the best posters here in your corner, and they are giving you fantastic advice, and I read NO WHERE in your responses that you are 1. Actually listening to the advice, 2. Wanting to understand how they are correct and how you can start making small changes, and 3. Then discussing how you can implement said changes.

You mention that you are not angry, but I don't think anyone is suggesting that you are. I think you are spending more energy trying to convince us that you've got this down than trying to make adjustments that could really benefit you. When I read your posts I see that you are making a lot of assumptions about your W and mind reading. That needs to change for you to be successful. I also sense a holier than thou or possibly arrogant attitude. How can we help you unpack the feelings that may be leading to that thinking?

Amoafwl talks a lot about small goals and that they need to be measurable. Do you have a list of goals? You are working on your GAL and trying to create distance, while both living in the same house. That's hard to do, I'm sure! How can you slowly start to shift your thinking about her, stop the mind reading, and learn about validation techniques? It has been explained to you, but we would like to see you start implementing it.

There is another poster here named Orange. I can't bring myself to ever post to him. He has poepe here convinced his WW is mentally ill, a narcissist or what have you (she might be, but I doubt he or any of us can diagnose her), and he is easily defensive with posters. He spends more time telling us how she has issues and how he is DBing well than taking any advice and showing us how he is implementing the advice and making real progress. What I'm trying it say is, don't be like that guy, plain and simple. And remember, poeple here are only spending their time because they want to help others, truly. We have all been in your similar sitch in one way or another.

I actually see a lot of hope in your sitch. She is still there and it is still early. That being said, you have A LOT OF work to do, man. Personal growth. And that takes time and is hard to do. You need to strip off some of your armor, allow yourself to become vulnerable, and really, really listen to these wise people here. Can you do that? I challenge you to go back and read their words again. Think only about how they might be right and where you might be able to make some small changes in your thinking.

Blu

How am I not taking advice though? I am all for advice. The assumptions that I'm chasing my WW around like a puppy with my hair on fire are incorrect.

I will break down what I am doing now.

I am GAL

I am getting out of the house, A LOT.
I am hanging with friends for the benefit of getting closer to others
I am going out with my children for the benefit of my relationship with them
I am going out alone for the benefit of my health
I am starting school for the benefit of my future

I only speak with WW when she tries to speak with me. WW is not reasonable at all, therefore within seconds of her talking about anything related to our situation, she starts yelling and blaming me.

Therefore I do not engage and I withdraw from the situation.

Very rarely does the wife just have a small chit chat. If she does and its random, like about TV etc, the neighbor, I let her initiate and I am cordial but kind.

I am not attacking WW or demanding anything or sending her sob stories.

I am focused on myself and my children. Yes its IHS so I have to interact with her. I am not just constantly battling with WW. We barely talk. The only time we do is of she initiates.

Yesterday she was just in a better mood. Still not talking about the future. But I could tell that she was at bare minimum, more comfortable around me and noticed my physical appearance. That's it. I take it at face value and I'm happy that we aren't fighting.


I am GAL madly, except when I am exhausted like yesterday evening. I am not fighting, approaching, pleading, begging, engaging etc. I'm being happy and my best when I am here. When she engages and it's normal chit chat I respond but I'm short and sweet.

I wont talk about finances because there is no need to. My $$$ is available to pay the bills as is hers.

I really dont know why people think I'm not taking their advice. Yes I write factually and usually without emotion. That doesn't mean I'm arguing or doing the opposite of what I'm being advised to do.

Yes I am comfortable that I am GAL and doing a 180. I have written down my goals, my behaviors etc. I wrote down the 180 of how I usually react to her and I am sticking to that.