I've been here for awhile, but don't like to post unless I have read an entire thread. If I had more time in a day, I would reply more often to more people. I'm a W who had a WH return and have been piecing for several years now. I read all of your posts. Your responses are a bit maddening, so I had to weigh in! You have some of the best posters here in your corner, and they are giving you fantastic advice, and I read NO WHERE in your responses that you are 1. Actually listening to the advice, 2. Wanting to understand how they are correct and how you can start making small changes, and 3. Then discussing how you can implement said changes.
You mention that you are not angry, but I don't think anyone is suggesting that you are. I think you are spending more energy trying to convince us that you've got this down than trying to make adjustments that could really benefit you. When I read your posts I see that you are making a lot of assumptions about your W and mind reading. That needs to change for you to be successful. I also sense a holier than thou or possibly arrogant attitude. How can we help you unpack the feelings that may be leading to that thinking?
Amoafwl talks a lot about small goals and that they need to be measurable. Do you have a list of goals? You are working on your GAL and trying to create distance, while both living in the same house. That's hard to do, I'm sure! How can you slowly start to shift your thinking about her, stop the mind reading, and learn about validation techniques? It has been explained to you, but we would like to see you start implementing it.
There is another poster here named Orange. I can't bring myself to ever post to him. He has poepe here convinced his WW is mentally ill, a narcissist or what have you (she might be, but I doubt he or any of us can diagnose her), and he is easily defensive with posters. He spends more time telling us how she has issues and how he is DBing well than taking any advice and showing us how he is implementing the advice and making real progress. What I'm trying it say is, don't be like that guy, plain and simple. And remember, poeple here are only spending their time because they want to help others, truly. We have all been in your similar sitch in one way or another.
I actually see a lot of hope in your sitch. She is still there and it is still early. That being said, you have A LOT OF work to do, man. Personal growth. And that takes time and is hard to do. You need to strip off some of your armor, allow yourself to become vulnerable, and really, really listen to these wise people here. Can you do that? I challenge you to go back and read their words again. Think only about how they might be right and where you might be able to make some small changes in your thinking.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
