Saw my H briefly this morning. He’s back to being super pleasant (too pleasant) yet uncomfortable. I let him know that I had packed up the rest of his clothes. He seemed a bit surprised. Still no response to my email. I am nervous about that.
I was looking through the quotes thread and saw AS’s one about the stages that we all go through. Man did that ever hit home when I think about my progression through this situation. I think I have entered Stage 5 where I have realized that he is unlikely to ever come back and am moving toward Stage 6. Even though I know that I have not yet fully detached, I really think that process will escalate for me once we have gotten through the holidays. December will be tough. My kids’ birthday, his mom’s birthday, his daughter’s birthday, Christmas, New Year’s... all are family occasions that we are used to being together for. January is a new year and this will be my year for ME. There will be a lot of New Year’s resolutions and at the top of the list will be well and truly letting go of my H and of the future that I had planned for us. Really is a testament to the idea of focusing on the moment and not going too far into the future with plans. It is nice to have goals and dreams but not a good idea to count on anything. Makes it that much harder to adjust when life does not go as planned - and it almost never does.
I thought ASs stages were interesting and also somewhat daunting. Given how long my H has been planning his escape and the amount of guilt he is carrying around, I suspect that if he EVER got to Stage 11, it would definitely be a couple years from now. If I am honest, I have serious doubts that he would ever act on it even if he did miss me. He just went to such great lengths to escape that I don’t think he would trust his feelings enough. I also think that by then, he will have found someone else to love and be well into a relationship. He really does not have any of those feelings left for me that he can access. He looks at me and feels nothing but sadness and guilt (emphasis on the last one) and that won’t change anytime soon, if ever. So I have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on. I am really looking forward to the day when the thought of that makes me happy and excited.
