Ah yes - the p!ssed/sad look. I remember that well. Also the disgust.
To flip this over, "she's not the boss of you". As far as I can tell you are doing nothing illegal. While you may be controlling access to certain marital assets you aren't dissipating them.
This is where you need to get legal advice. Don't divide anything up, nor agree to anything prior to that.
The next while will probably be tough as you can expect tantrums and manipulation. Know where your buttons are and cover them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I already got legal advice and the bank account thing is ok for me to do. If something is late or payment missed a judge may not like that though.
Her behavior is exactly as replay round 1 with 30% the intensity. Shes never been happy, I am a messy person, I forget things. Basically it is too late to make up for the emotional support I lacked for 10 years.
Also, she feels no remorse for what she is doing because she checked out and we have D on file. She is only sorry that it hurts me.
The breaking the ice and talking did provide you a wealth of information and her intentions. Why did you not discuss custody? She wants too, you would learn about her intentions, you are not agreeing to anything just by discussing. Btw, you could really use that knowledge of what she is envisioning as to future custody, better to find out now than further down the road, where it is less likely and much more difficult to steer things to a better outcome.
You are correct, she is going to do what she wants to do, just as she stated. And as for the OM and her promise to not sleep with him. Remember some very true advice - don’t believe anything they tell you, and only half of what they do.
She might have actually meant that when she said it. Later? Who knows. An MLCer is in a compete emotional storm and able to justify anything, and will seek whatever mixed up, cooked up, made up, or f___ed up idea that will promote their plans or vision.
You only control you.
So to your choices.
You list three. There are many more. You always have choices.
However, I know you are seeking input, so:
Stay in house, discuss custody, gather information, seek L advice, get financially organized you do not deserve to be gutted like a fish due to her behaviour, protect you and kids.
If she is adamantly seeking to leave, then let her. It may behoove you to help with the heavy lifting, to gain better custody or financial arrangements - that is a choice for you to decide. Generally, the advice is let them do all the heavy lifting - there are times when that may be less diserable. Only you can know which one is for you.
Try to make decisions when you are in that place of indifference rather than the I want to fry her times. Along with her, you and your kids have to live with these decisions too.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
she wants full custody as well and has stated it. I slept on it and know that she is in crazy land. I want full custody but would settle for 50/50 plus restraining order for OM. I dont want her to know my intentions because it would mean immediate temp orders. she told me she already fears i will do something vindictive but she knows I have a case too. Protecting my kids from scum is doing what's best for them, but in her mind she doesnt see it that way. I have to play any move very carefully.
DNJ and the others gave good advice, and I agree with your intention to protect the kids
I had to fight for mine during negotiations and D as I did not want my children then 5 and 11 subject to OW
Once I figured out they were both using alcohol and prescription drugs, I fought harder I had an excellent attorney and my kids were my top priority
MY XH finally gave up and I think many MLCers do put up an initial fight then give up when the going gets too tough they only want to pursue their Fantasy relationship and new life and they get worse after the initial phase of replay.. from my experience they go further down some continue to reach for their bottom years later or some never-
MY XH also lied about his A-constantly he lied- denying any OW
I did not track him until later. I finally found a few things leading to her name and finding out about her-a real loser as well
Interesting the only concern she seems to have is being tracked-and meeting up with the loser they enjoy the secrecy of the new forbidden love--it must be a real high for them Once out in the open it isn't as exciting telling her NOT to meet him or talking about his characteristics as a loser-might make her want to meet him more
sorry for your pain -but you are doing well hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace is correct...the more you talk to her about the OM and telling her not to meet him, the more she will do it, i.e., just like kids...the more you say no, the more they will test the boundaries. The less you say about him, the better.
The high they get from keeping secrets and the paranoia that we are tracking them is unbelievable. They all think that we have nothing better to do than keep tabs on their every move. Once the affair comes to light, it's not quite as much fun for them.
The best thing you can do is keep the info you get from your lawyer to yourself and do not share it w/your wife. Keep the focus on you and your children and leave her to her fantasy world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So now that this is out of the bag it won't be as exciting for them? Shes willing to go to lunch and be seen in public, which I cannot believe a married woman would do.
In her mind, the marriage has been over for a long time. Her journey started approximately 18-24 months before she dropped the bomb on you. She's light years ahead of you in detaching and moving on w/her life. Yes, she made some gestures of wanting to be there for you...but she went right back into the tunnel.
I am sure that if she were not in crisis she would frown upon a married woman flaunting her "new man" out in public before the ink was dry on the divorce paperwork. However, she's not that woman now. In fact she's about 16. You can't put your finger on what she will or will not do at any time. Emotions are fully charged during the crisis.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is amazing how the word "tunnel" is used. There are so many things happening again that I have not seen since replay round 1, though now about 30% the intensity. It is truly like she is trapped in a cyclical tunnel.
Hamburg, something that I keep noticing on your thread is that you are referring to stages of MLC as if she has already gone through one. Didn't this whole thing just start? I see you are extremely upset and your mind is racing. I think you are seeing her first steps into the tunnel as a series of stages. I know you have heard this before, but this is not something that happens over a few months. It takes YEARS. My H went through several years of hardcore replay, then a year of seeming to come out of it, and then last year he rebombed me and started over -- his second round, in year five since BD 1, has included filing for D.
I am a little unusual on this board because I am a hardcore stander. I see my marriage as a covenant with God, no matter what my H does. I plan to continue standing no matter what he does, including divorcing me. I only say that to point out that there are many possible responses to a spouse's MLC. You don't have to do what they say you have to do.
I think you have to make a choice to either really understand and study MLC and take twenty steps back and start working on yourself and on detachment; or you have to follow what people outside of MLC world think and take her words at face value. I don't think you should do the latter, as her words mean almost nothing right now.. You can't judge anything she says or does if you want to accept that this is MLC. She is a teenager right now. She will be a teenager for possibly years. The sooner you step back from her, the sooner you can start healing yourself, no matter what she does. I wouldn't make any decisions about her or your marriage for a long while.
Is it possible for you to mark your calendar for six months or a year from today and wait until that time to think about what you want to do about this? Can you see it as a sort of a discipline, where you can learn strategies to stop your mind from focusing on her for those six months or a year? A DB coach can help if you are not going the religious route. Can you just try to live your life detached until then and let her spiral without studying her so much? I know exactly how you feel, we have all been there. I am on year six, and I just worry about you because you seem very focused on her andI know that won't work, having been there too.
Last edited by Gerda; 11/23/1804:04 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.