I might provide details of my sitch later, but for now, suffice to say that after 35 years, W walked away 10 months ago. Over the past two months, we finally had the opportunity to engage in facilitated conversation with an excellent therapist. With hope this might be helpful to others, I provide my interpretation of these conversations.
W stated one main reason for her unhappiness in the marriage. I believe there are two deeper ones. Of the latter, I raised one; regarding the other, I think she has to formulate this herself.
The stated reason: I cannot bring myself to “like” some people in her life. For example, I have a brother-in-law who has said racist and cruel things about poor people. I am perfectly happy to be civil, cordial, and polite when I see him. It bothers W I do not ‘like’ him. I see him but once a year and W cannot point to a single thing I’ve said or done that was behaviorally mean. But just knowing how I “feel” bothers her and lingers with her.
The first, deeper reason I intimated during our session: W’s mom treats human relations with an emotional flat-line. I wondered if this has influenced the way W deals with emotions. I reminded W that she told me she was first attracted to me because I was the most emotionally accessible man she had ever met. I opined that neither she nor I can control the emotions I feel. But I do take accountability for how I deal with those emotions.
The deep, deep, second reason: I think there is such a thing as existential angst. My own escape has been to find creative, purposeful work. During my most productive years in the past (I believe the best is yet to come), W has attempted to find similar work. She has not found it yet.
Whatever the reason for W's unhappiness, we cannot reconcile until W: (1) takes ownership of her happiness and stops thinking of future happiness as simply a negation of me; and (2) accepts my freedom to own my emotions.
Where are we now? W was honest in saying she is figuring it out. Right now, she just needs space and time alone.
For me, like her, I also have to make a choice. The more authentic part of me realizes how much I still love her and how much I owe her. Compassion and integrity impel me to giver her time, space, and support, while I continue to focus on my life’s work.
The other part of me wants to emotionally, mentally, and physically move on to other relationships, because I continue to want to know and to be known by some other in an intimate way, in the context of an unconditional, life-long commitment. For those of you who have persevered and held on to hope over many years, my whining over my own 10 months in limbo must seem infantile.
As my oldest daughter put it: “is this the new normal or just an aberration?” If I knew for certain it is the latter, I would wait indefinitely.
In the spirit of the season in the U.S., I give thanks for everything. I hope everyone reading this pauses and reflects upon the many things for which, even in our darkest hour, we can be grateful.
