Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

This is my third continuation post, trying to address some of the things you posted to me (yesterday, I think). Maybe I can wrap it up in this third one. (lol)

Help rekindle and stoke those flames of purpose, focus, and determination. I'm not scared, I've been passive, not realizing the dangers and damage that can/has cause(d). I want to do what's necessary to make this work.

I read back over your first post in this thread, where you gave some background of how the M got to this point. You made the mistake many people make after they get the bride/groom. I'm going to make a guess here. Your lack of attentiveness to the relationship, and your apparent (from the way I read it) lack of passion in life, and your loss of personal pride in your appearance...…... negatively impacted your W and the MR. I'm going to make another stab in guessing things were not exactly sizzling in the bedroom, either. You took her for granted, obviously. And at the same time, you had a lot of insecurities based on your past hurts. I don't have to ask her to know her emotional needs were not fulfilled by her H. That's why she turned to romantic novels, then started responding to some man who knew what to say to make her feel special. In other words, he started filling her emotional needs. You see, all those years, she slowly built up resentment and disrespect for you. But, she probably pushed it down in her heart, so it stayed there, unresolved, and grew to the point of rebellion. This is the foundation in the heart of a wayward W. It didn't happen over night. You may not have been aware of her feelings, but it took time for her to reach the point of being vulnerable to some guy's sweet words that turned her head away from her M.

In order to stoke the flames of purpose and determination, you are going to have to change, Adam. And understand something, b/c this is vitally important. It MUST be life changing. In other words, you can't just pick up a few tips of how to spruce up and woo her out of the arms of OM...….and then fall back into your lazy, passive ways again. It destroyed your M, b/c it sucked the life out of it. You may need IC, or whatever it takes to put a rocket in your a$$…….but you have lost your W due to all of the above. Yes, you are responsible for your actions. You are NOT responsible for her choosing to have an affair. Her unmet emotional needs left her vulnerable, but she is responsible for deceiving, betraying, etc. I suspect the loss of her father was the tipping point. She probably needed grief counseling. But it all worked together to reach this point.

You remind me of another former board member. Oh boy, when he decided to change......he gave it a 100%. If he could bottle and sell that incentive, he'd be rich! I don't know what is more incentive than trying to save yourself and start really living life with passion. There are so many motivational talks on You Tube; books written about having passion for life, etc. If that doesn't help, then I suggest you try therapy, b/c there's something deeper inside that needs to be addressed.

I'm also here thinking, even if I didn't fill her life full of happiness, and there were bad days, that still doesn't make it right to do what she is doing. I was going to say it doesn't give her right to do what she is doing, but isn't that controlling?

Controlling? What are you controlling? No, it has nothing to do about controlling. Hummm, she must throw that word around a lot.

Okay, got to run. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving.