Finding the Balance and then Tipping the Scale

[sandi2]

Okay, so continuing from my previous post...……..

Going back to W, I think she feels like I am really cheating on her.

She will get very curious, and I think she'll break into your computer, so be sure you delete the history. You don't have to convince her you aren't cheating. She just sees you acting differently. When you start kicking GAL into next gear, then she'll really wonder what's going on with you. It's part of being mysterious. I'm not suggesting you pretend you are seeing someone. I'm saying that it would not be a bad thing if she became interested in you as a man again.

She kept looking at my phone and seeing if I'm typing to someone on the computer.

Does she let you look at her phone?

What's sad is that she will probably use that to justify whatever she is doing. Like okay, we're both now like this, more of a green light.

This type of thinking is wasted energy. It distracts you from focusing on the things you can control.

I read somewhere in another thread that Newbies oftentimes need to know exactly what to do like as if there is a step by step play book. I think I came across this comment when people were discussing understanding the content in the DR book and once you have a true understanding, then you won't need someone to connect all the dots for you because you'd understand what works in your unique situation, although many sitches are the same.

We can talk until we turn blue and some newbies never get it. I think the "understanding" comes to people in different ways and different time frames. Something finally clicks in their head. Like, when a H is breaking his fool neck to win favor with his adulterous W, hoping she'll pick him instead of her lover. I'll be honest, there have been times I have about lost it with some guys, b/c I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me!" The worse she treats him, the harder he works to hang on to her. What's attractive about that? If he would dump her and move on...…….. CLICK! But I can't make it click for him. I've seen some guys live an in-house separation (which is no separation at all), and be miserable for years. They are doing everything, while the WW plays around and throws garbage at him. Then finally, one day he wakes up and asks himself WTF is he doing? What is he teaching his kids about being a man? (Okay, so that last part was mostly my input.)

I just want you to know that there are some who do get it. I've seen some guys who were "nice-guys" through and through, make a huge turnaround and grow b@lls of steel. They let the WW go. Some walked away. Guess what? The WW went running after those guys, begging him to not to go......and she was willing to do whatever it took to save their M. But it took tough love, and I'm telling you that I have not seen success stories where it didn't take tough love with a wayward.

Am I trying to get W to move out asap so she gets a taste of that independent life she has been wanting? Does it matter who stays or goes or is that dependent on the state laws and best discussed with a lawyer as far as optics goes if we end up in front of a judge?

Always get your lawyer's legal advice.

The sooner the WW experiences consequences of her actions/decisions, the better. WW's are like rebellious teenagers, and they have to learn consequences just like teenagers. Some of the problems we see today, come from parents not giving their spoiled kids consequences. Some WW's have been so spoiled, and they may have parents or a H, or someone else who enables their lifestyle. You may not be able to do anything about other enablers, but you can control what you do. In the WW threads, I gave a few examples of consequences the H can enforce. Sometimes it opens the eyes of the WW, and sometimes it doesn't. If she just gets mad...….then it wasn't tough enough, IMHO. She still holds that self entitlement. But one thing is for sure, no consequences for how she treats her H, will certainly not bring about feelings of remorse. I think it's important that the WW feels remorse for her behavior, and especially for an affair. Yes, the H can become this marvelous, attractive male...….and she would notice his changes. But, this is what I meant by saying it takes "more". He has to be at that place where he is completely done with her self entitlement and the rest of the cr@p he has endured from her. That's the click I hope you'll get. You stop putting up with her cr@p! I think that's how I'm going to start addressing newbies, by asking them, "Are you ready to stop putting up with her cr@p?"

I feel like I am trapped, in her trap.

You know why? B/c you've played by her rules.

I feel like she has this upper hand over me and I hate it. I know what she will do later when it gets close to 7 months. She will ask for me to stay in the house for several selfish reasons.

Every thing she does is for selfish reasons. That is what motivates the wayward W. Have you told her you are staying for seven months?

This is when I was going to say no.

So, you already know what she's gong to say, and you are going to wait for seven months to tell her no? Help me understand this. I know you love her, but you have to respect yourself more than this.

I cant forget that day when she said she doesn't want the divorce but she needs to see if she can forgive me for not trusting her, for thinking she was cheating.

Remember what I said about how she'll twist things? Prime example.

She needs this time to figure it out and work on herself.

It's all a load of WW cr@p!

(Next time if she wants to discuss us or say whatever like this, should I take that opportunity to say I cant live in an open marriage and she would need to go? What if she says no, that I don't know what I am talking about? What if she is persistently saying she hasn't cheated? Is this why I should just ignore these confrontations and work on me?

Oh, she's going to deny it! Bank on it.


Look, I've got to stop here. There's just too much to answer in a couple of posts......as wordy as I get. I will get back as soon as I get a chance. Okay? I have company coming tomorrow!

P.S. Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. I shouldn't have tried to undertake so much when I was pushed for time.