Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[burned]

What should the consequence be if she does this?

You decide. It's your life. In fact, the more you make your own decisions based on what matters to you, the better you look in the eyes of other people. It's a fact. So choose a consequence that is reasonable, fair, or anything else that is one of your values. Unfortunately we can't choose for you. But when you think of a boundary you should always approach it with the mindset of, "What do I need to do to protect myself?" So you also have to consider what you're protecting yourself from, and why. There's no easy answer. But if you're using the term "boundary" when what you mean is "ultimatum" then you're off target. You're looking for something YOU can DO to get HER to do what YOU want and that will ALWAYS backfire.

My recommendation, at least for now, is to just walk away. You don't like when she's on the phone with OM while you're there? Then don't be there. Protect yourself from the hurt/anger by just walking away. That's the point of GAL. Go do something else. Leave her alone. That's your best shot.

My stitch is unique in the fact that my wife has not always been a narcissist. My wife has stubborn pride. She has never tried to use me. She is the other way around, she feels people use her.

Said EVERY single LBH with a WW. Dude, I said that for like a month after I got here, and I used it as an excuse to not do what people here were telling me would work. Then I started reading my own threads again and it just went click. It's OK, we all get that thought sometimes. Throw it out. Your W is the same as all WWs, for the EXACT reasons you listed right there. Trust us.

Another thing that's hard to get across is that I honestly feel that I am not plan B. WW is running from her problems. If I went and filed, she would probably be happy.

Did you copy and paste this from one of my posts from like 2 months ago? No, you didn't. It's freaky how similar these WWs behave, and how similar we feel about them.

Its weird. She doesnt temp check me.

There's another thing I said. That's OK, she doesn't need to. You're giving her all the info she needs. She'll only start temp checking when you stop being predictable. So stop being predictable. And then ignore the temp checks. Another possibility is that she might not temp check you at all. So what? Doesn't matter. Do what you need to do and forget what her reaction will be.[/quote]

WW acts like she is extremely shamed when she is around me.

Why? Think about it.

But again that stubborn pride gets in the way of her remorse. So she just feels shame and guilt.

Seems like a lot of us have WWs with stubborn pride, shame and guilt (we think), and no remorse. So accept that for what it is. The pride hides the shame and guilt. The remorse would open that all up and make it unbearable. That's how they cope with what they're doing. It doesn't stop them from doing it. If anything it makes it easier.

I read tons of other stitches where the WS is wayward and then once in a while shows a glimmer of hope, aka a temp check, and even talks positively about the future with the LBS. My WW does not do that. She is either completely withdrawn or even when she is around, in avoidance mode.

OK, we talked about temp checks. Don't feel bad that you aren't getting any. You're not getting any because she's in avoidance mode. Why is she in avoidance mode, hmm? You're in her face all the time. Leave her alone! Go do something else.

But this is where she expects me to be pleading and begging etc.

Nope. Mind reading. It doesn't matter what she expects. It's good that you aren't begging and pleading. But remember that pressure is the same as pursuit. Anything that makes her uncomfortable.

I read another stitch that ended in success where the LBS was kind, not pursuing, but used small loving touches etc. Like calming touches. I may try that sparingly to see if I can get WW to talk to me about feelings so I can listen.

NO. Don't do it. Study the WW threads to understand how these women think. It's a paradox, I know. But when you send someone the message that they can talk to OM on the phone, then lie to you that they aren't, and you're fine with it and want to touch her and be all friendly...it sends the message that you're weak, that you don't respect yourself, that you aren't a good "mate" because you won't protect her, not even from herself. It's confusing because at this point you SHOULDN'T be trying to protect her. That's pursuit. What you should be trying to protect is the image she has of you as a respectable man who doesn't tolerate crap from anyone, not even her.

She is stubborn as a mule and has zero common sense.

Said you and pretty much half of all the LBHs here.

I may try and take some video. The reason for that is that I want to show you all what's going on.

Don't bother, you can't post video here. Anyway, we know what it's like. Your W isn't too different from ours.

It seems that a lot of people here think I'm just walking around angry and pissed off and we are both walking around with our hair on fire.

Well, look, we can only judge you based on what you say. We don't know you. Several different people say you come across as angry, and I've been here long enough to know that they don't say that about just anybody. So there's something in the way you write that makes you seem angry. Of course that doesn't mean it's true. But what a GREAT opportunity to study yourself. How does your choice of words, your attitude, your general sense of reality, all that stuff, how does it affect how people see you? That could be a very useful lesson. How do you come across to others, and why? You won't be able to answer that yet but it would be a great thing to talk about with an IC.

So I just will not pursue her.

Good. That's step 1. There's plenty of work to be done. But step 1 makes the rest of the work possible.