Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[SoTorn]

I have let her go. I am not dictating anything beyond asking her to not mistreat me or my children. That and I have asked her not to speak with OM in this house because its disrespectful.

Here's another area where you can make some serious progress. This is where you need a boundary! Forget about asking her. When I married my W I asked her to not sleep with anyone except me. Well, so much for that.

This is an opportunity to set a boundary, but I'm not an expert on boundaries.

Maybe something like this: "W, when you talk to OM while living here, I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. If you continue, I will have no choice but to ..." Whatever the consequence is.

And then when she decides to keep doing it, you FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequence.

This is where I am stuck a bit. What should the consequence be if she does this?

She used to sit in the bathroom for 45 minutes talking to him. The other day she was in the bathroom for a while. I told her the same thing. "Its very disrespectful to me and your family to talk to OM at our home"

Previously she didn't give a crap. The last time she kept telling me "I wasnt on the phone I was just in the bathroom."

I cant shut her phone off. I could use some ideas on the "or else" part.

My stitch is unique in the fact that my wife has not always been a narcissist. My wife has stubborn pride. She has never tried to use me. She is the other way around, she feels people use her. I am home today. WW is here. We have talked normal about just normal things like cleaning the house, spoke about the kids grades. Again, WW has stopped hiding from me. WW has a bad cough. I found her some cough meds in the MBR and gave the to her. She had a coughing fit and I patted her on the back. I'm not trying to be weird. Just something I always do.

She didn't recoil or anything. Previously she was avoiding me like the plague. Another thing that's hard to get across is that I honestly feel that I am not plan B. WW is running from her problems. If I went and filed, she would probably be happy.

Its weird. She doesnt temp check me. I know that a WW can be manipulative. She was doing that before BD. Now it's like shes running scared. WW acts like she is extremely shamed when she is around me.

But again that stubborn pride gets in the way of her remorse. So she just feels shame and guilt.

I read tons of other stitches where the WS is wayward and then once in a while shows a glimmer of hope, aka a temp check, and even talks positively about the future with the LBS. My WW does not do that. She is either completely withdrawn or even when she is around, in avoidance mode.

She doesnt reach out to me and like touch me, or give me hope etc. She just straight up leaves me alone. But this is where she expects me to be pleading and begging etc.

I guess I kind of temp checked her by patting her back while she coughed. I patted her back and unlike before, she didn't recoil.

I read another stitch that ended in success where the LBS was kind, not pursuing, but used small loving touches etc. Like calming touches. I may try that sparingly to see if I can get WW to talk to me about feelings so I can listen.

Hard to explain my WW. Shes type A personality. Amazingly gorgeous. She is extremely motivated, educated and intelligent. She is stubborn as a mule and has zero common sense.

Only during the EA and PA did she turn the gas up on the gas lighting and saying mean [censored] to me about me. Once BD happened she stopped the insults, but started acting like I was after her. Like I was just playing opossum.

Like I'm putting my guard down and if she does I'm going to steam roll her.

I may try and take some video. The reason for that is that I want to show you all what's going on.

It seems that a lot of people here think I'm just walking around angry and pissed off and we are both walking around with our hair on fire.

Today, beyond the initial odd questions from her. It literally could have been a normal weekend day between us less the affection and intimacy we had.

I have been dressing very nice now that I dropped 80lbs. I make sure that before I come out of my room I clean MBR, shower and get dressed. So I look great and smell nice. I wear her favorite cologne that she bought me.

WW has been in my presence a lot today. I'm very tired. I hit the gym hard last night so I can barely walk.

However I have cleaned the house, all of my usual chores when shes gone. I dont like clutter or grime.

WW noticed my new pants and shirt and shoes and sai I looked really nice. I feel that if I tried to make an effort she would probably be intimate with me. However, I dont want that right now, even though I'm a man and shes gorgeous.

So far today has been good. Just ran a couple of chores and came home. I'm beat so being scarce isn't happening today.

So I just will not pursue her.