I'm still here FS; watching and learning. Feeling strong and mostly determined. There are still lots of things I'd like to say to him; mostly not nice things, but I can't honestly be bothered with him. Still resent him every morning when I have to walk the dog in the rain so I call him a few choice words under my breath!
You make me laugh. I can imagine you walking out on a cold morning muttering [insert preferred cuss word here] under your breath.
No, seriously, I don't hear any fear or resentment in your voice. Just a little annoyance at your H for putting you through this crap. I am very glad you are still here checking in on us. I am very glad that you are able to look on him with pity (and laughter) now. I wish we knew each other in real life. I think we would probably have a good laugh at our the idiocy of our H's behaviours. We could probably get through a few decent bottles of wine in the process.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I'm doing loads of research into planning a holiday for next year. Happy to go exploring on my own. That's a big thing for me; only ever travelled with someone else for 30 years. Current thoughts are West coast USA in spring, taking in Grand Canyon or East coast USA in the fall and maybe a trip up to Niagra at the same time. He wouldn't have done either of these things so it makes them all the more attractive.
You should absolutely do this. I went away for a week in April to Morocco. It was the first time I had gone anywhere on my own. I landed in Casablanca at 10 pm at night searching for a man holding a sign with my name on it. There was no man holding a sign with my name on it. I was petrified. Strange country. Middle of the night. Sudden realization that I am a very small female. All I had was a contact number for the place I was staying at. It kept ringing out and my phone was dying. I sat there on a bench trying to work out what the [censored] I was going to do - by this time my phone had died. I thought I'd have to sleep on that [censored] bench and then book a flight back in the morning. But, after about 10 mins a man came running over waving his sign. I have never been so happy in my life to see my H's surname. The rest of the holiday was brilliant. I went to a yoga studio that had rooms you could rent attached to it. I did all forms of yoga and when I wasn't doing that I went exploring. On my own. Without any set plans. I would ask for recommendations from the teachers, hop in a cab and just go. I saw the most amazing things. Each night I wrote long emails to the children. I ran through each day in detail with them, describing the people I had met, the places I had been and through this rediscovered my love of writing. I came back happy. This was when I started to know that I was going to be OK.
The reality of my life soon came back but it was somehow not charged with the same emotion.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
How do you think it will look 3 or 4 years down the line if you were to get divorced? Would he still come by as much as he does or would it be a more formal arrangement? Is there an interim stage that you could move towards in the shorter term? Conversely, you seem to be doing pretty well and if this works for you then exploit it. He's a very important person in the children's lives but to you he's free childcare. (I occasionally use mine as a free dog walker!)
It would be a more formal arrangement. 3 - 4 years down the line I will probably have had to sell the house. He will want his equity and I cannot buy him out. One of the reasons he is so comfortable coming around is that he feels this is still his home/house - a different house will not feel like his home. I would also require more rigid arrangements around childcare. At the moment, it all works in his favor. I have to work around him and his work schedule. I cannot plan anything because his work schedule changes month by month. I have to pay for full time childcare which I don't use half the time. He would also have the dog when he has the children. I didn't want a dog. He did. At the moment even when he has the children, I still need to come home by a certain time each night to 'look after the dog'. If I go away on a long weekend (with or without the children) I have to organize and pay for a dog sitter. He has literally up and left and just assumed I will look after his home and his children and his dog when he hasn't got the time or the inclination to look after them himself. Keep everything as it was in case he decides to come home. Luckily he frequently has the inclination. But still means I am limited in terms of the plans I can make.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
acting like a ****womble.
That ^^^^ and the reference to the 'lads' made me laugh. Actually, quite a lot about your post made me laugh.
