Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

[burned]

if I hear any blame toward me for her decision, I'm not validating that. I have advised her that I understand how she feels. I understand why she did what she did. But the actual decision itself to cheat cannot be blamed on me.

Maybe the issue isn't the fact that YOU understand how SHE feels. Maybe the issue is that she DOESN'T FEEL that you understand how she feels, because the way you're communicating it maybe doesn't reach her.

Compare these two things:

1. Everyone on here understands that you're angry. It's obvious to me, isn't it obvious to you that we understand?

2. Of COURSE you're angry, I would be just as angry if I had to put up with what you're putting up with.

Now, which of those two make YOU feel better, more understood, more likely to feel calm and willing to think about things rather than just fight back?

Version 1 is sort of what you're doing with your W. Version 2 is the way to validate.

And don't forget: validation is NOT agreement or accepting blame or responsibility or anything. It's about emotions. The message you are trying to convey to the other person is, "It makes sense to me why a person in the situation you think you're in might feel the way you feel." To do that, you have to identify what they are feeling, tell them that you've identified it, and show them that you believe that it's OK to feel that way (based on THEIR perception of reality).

Does that make sense? It's hard for us men to understand because it has almost NOTHING to do with facts. It's about the feeling. If you can listen to your W say "blah blah blah" and all you have to say is "oh, blah blah blah must be scary for you," you're not saying "blah blah blah IS scary," because maybe it isn't. But then she feels like you heard her and you care about her and she matters and she is a worthwhile person, and then she will want to touch your body all over, all the time. Apparently that's how women work. And I hate to admit it but that's probably exactly what OM did to get her in the sack.