Thank you Burned and FS. Still radio silence on the email but I am prepared. My H knows that he does not deserve to nor has he demonstrated that he could have them 50% of the time so it will be interesting to see if he goes there. For sure he is thinking about it though. I don’t know that not paying child support is not his primary motivation but it is likely second on the list. I’m like you though... over my dead body. He is the one who emotionally (and mostly physically too) abandoned us four years ago. He is the one who decided day after day to turn his back on his family instead of trying to work on things. He doesn’t get to just waltz back in and pick up where he left off like nothing happened. Actions have consequences and I don’t think I’m being vindictive when I say that. If he had been honest with me from the start and we had tried everything but still got to this point, I might feel differently. But he didn’t. He unilaterallly decided that our marriage was over and then spent all that time justifying it by convincing himself that I was the problem. I know better.
I am home sick today. Decided just to take a day to see if I can fight off this cold but also taking it as a bit of a mental health day. I have only taken 2 1/2 sick days this calendar year despite all the craziness of the past few months so I have given myself permission to take the day off and get some rest. I’m doing more reading and thinking. I really do think I have turned a corner. I feel steadier, more grounded. Sending that email was a freeing experience. It was so devoid of emotion, it almost came across as cold but I am done with trying to introduce reality and common sense into a situation that is so crazy and destructive and ultimately unnecessary. But...it is what it is and I think I have finally gotten to a place of acceptance. I’ve stopped looking at him with melancholically-clouded vision and have started to see him for who he is right now. It is sad - so so sad but I can move on knowing that it was not my choice. I have no regrets other than maybe not giving my relationship the attention that it needed when I started to feel him pulling away. When/if I have another relationship in the future, I will know better.
This weekend I am with my kids and I’m looking forward to it. Saturday I am volunteering and have a open house at a friends so will be in and out. Sunday we are going to put up our Christmas tree. Usually I wait until a couple weeks before Christmas but the kids want to set it up earlier so I thought, why not? This house could use some extra Christmas spirit. I just have to figure out how to put our tree together since that was always my H’s department. Up until a few years ago, we had always gone out and bought a real tree because my H thought the fake ones looked too fake. Then we wandered into a store after Christmas one year and saw this huge (at least 20 feet tall) fake tree that was amazingly real looking on sale for $100. It divided into five pieces so we bought it. When we got home, we realized we could only use the first two pieces. When we moved into our new house, we were so excited to have tall enough ceilings that we can now use three of the five pieces. The tree looked beautiful last Christmas...our first and last Christmas as a family in our dream home. I wish I had known that then. I would have paid more attention, savoured the feelings a bit more. Same with our family trip to Mexico. But what can you do except maybe pay more attention to those good moments that are yet to come and be grateful for them. Before I was dreading Christmas and now I know that I am going to make it great. New Years too. Everyone I have invited so far has said they will come so I am excited about that too.
