Dealing with a WW trying to save marriage pt2

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I explained why I wont talk finances. Because we dont need to. All the bills are paid. My check still goes towards the bills. So there's nothing to talk about. She uses her making more money as a pop intuitive thing.

OK. Then thats fine. Is there a reason that she wants to talk about finances? For a possible split or to move out? Does she have any understanding of what exists for the family in terms of bills, savings, etc?

I dont have a holier than though attitude. Every time she tries to talk she instantly blames me or finds some random justification for her false perception of me.

Like over said, she is not 100% to blame, and you are not 100% to blame. In my opinion, the marital breakdown responsibility lies somewhere in the middle. Could she have done things differently? sure. Could you have? sure.

When I say "holier than thou", Im pointing to these kinds of exchanges:
"I again told her that I do not want divorce, and cannot stop her, but I will not help her destroy this family completely. ". To me, it is taking the standpoint of you are doing "everything right" and if she would get on the same page, then everything would be "good". And she is doing all of these things to "destroy the family". To me, it absolves everything that you ever did to contaminate the relationship. I dont recall everything youve shared, but I have a hard time believing that you havent done things that led to disappointment, frustration, hurt, etc in the past. Im not saying that you need sa scoreboard or saying that she is in the right. Im saying that your attitude should be less on shaming and blaming her and more on self awareness and empathy.

She is out doing who knows what with who knows who. And thats not right. But I think throwing it into her face doesnt make you look like the more attractive option. If your goal is to make her angry or hurt or want to move out or whatever, then great. But if your hope is to reconcile, then I think biting your tongue and learning to STFU would b e beneficial in these kinds of situations.

I have detached.

Ive seen you write this several times, but Im not sure that you really understand. Theres a scene in Apollo 13, where they unclamp the module or something and you see it just float away. That ISNT the kind of detachment we are talking about. It isnt about leaving W alone to go off and GAL. It isnt about not starting conversations. It isnt even about what she is doing. It's about you. It's about learning to keep your emotions in check. It's about letting her talk and just listening with a kind of "meh" attitude. Its about her going off to see OM, and your reaction being "whatever" rather than "Im going to send a profanity-laced note". It's a hard process, and theres no shame in still having some emotional attachment - it's hard not to....If youve truly been with and in love with this woman for 21 years, I have a hard time believing that you can emotionally dissociate yourself from her in a few weeks...if you can, that may say more about the state of your marriage than anything else. It [censored]....I know. Ive been there too.

In out running around today. Prior to me leaving WW asked why I always lock my car in the garage. I told her not to worry about that. WW kept pressing because I was trying to get out the door. I calmly told her that I have pictures of her with OM from when I caught her that I dont want the kids to see. I was being truthful. She stopped asking after that.

So to me, a detached answer would have been more along the lines of "thats my space and Id like to keep it personal". To me, throwing that line about the pictures out there was only intended to poke at her. to hurt her. to remind her of the hurt she is causing you and the family. that doesnt seem like detachment to me.

My wife is not telling me about any feelings. She has never done that. She never says "I feel like this" what comes out of her mouth is "you are going to be sorry for telling your mom about my A" how in the hell am I supposed to validate that?

You shouldnt. You dont even need to respond to it. You definitely dont need to validate her every time she opens her mouth. You pick your spots. And in the times where she is spewing hot garbage, you say "I dont want to talk with you about this while XXX and YYY" and you leave." Stop stating your boundary and then caving - just because she keeps tirading you. Stand your ground and hold your boundaries. Remember a weak bundary is worse than no boundary.

I can tell when shes just trying to talk or if she is baiting me for conflict. As of now about 99% of her interactions are baiting me for conflict.

If this is true, why are you having so many conflicts with her? Stop taking the bait.