Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Hi OneArt,
I like that different frame of mind thought process.... if he had an ounce of anything towards me (like protecting my feelings) I would fall to the floor.


2 things going on right now.

1) i really have made some shifts the past few months. It’s like you go through these dark periods and come out stronger. A few months ago, I noticed myself falling into a little depression... I’ve gotten out of it and my feelings towards ex have shifted a bit. I notice myself being able to talk about him again and even caught myself sharing stories about him over the last few weeks. It doesn’t pain me to recall memories or experiences. I think that is detachment. It catches my family off guard a bit because for so long I couldn’t talk about my situation at all without being upset by it. Now don’t get me wrong... I’m pretty frustrated and stressed out by the fact that I’m still in this INSANE legal battle, but I don’t even know the guy on the other end. And while his actions are rediculously obnoxious, I’m not bothered by him. I’m bothered that I have to deal with it.... but there’s no emotion there towards him.

Tonight, I had to go out and run an errand with a friend and we drove by my old house. He had decorated it with Christmas decor already. Last year was the first year he decorated since we split and I was upset by it. Christmas was my holiday (he didn’t celebrate it before I came into the picture) and I was upset that he was continuing our tradition that I brought into his life. In my mind, I was hurt because that must have meant he was doing a-ok after causing so much he!! and destruction for me. I projected my feelings onto his behavior—I was too sad to decorate because it represented happy memories for him and I, therefore I made up that he was doing great. (I didn’t explain this as well I could have so it might not make sense)

Anyway, after seeing the decor so early on this year, I was thinking about it and expecting myself to feel sad or jealous or whatever.... but it’s just not there.

I think I have gotten to the point where he as a person doesn’t bother me anymore. Stuff still bothers me, but He doesn’t. Weird. It might come back around unexpectedly... but for now I really couldn’t care less.

2) the other thing that I know I need to move through is my feelings of inadequacy. I really was brainwashed by ex and sometimes I find myself falling into similar patterns where I am apologizing for things I didn’t even do wrong, where I’m afraid to not rock the boat, where I sacrifice too much of myself in order to make others happy.

I don’t do this with everyone, but I have a male colleague who 100% shows signs of narcissism (big shot executive who thinks he rules the universe and is very verbally abusive) and I’m recognizing that he’s sucking the life out of me because I’m letting him. We’ve been partners for years and I find myself falling into the same trap I did with my ex. I get so beat down that I become paralyzed and then it starts to leak into other areas of my life.

The good news is I recognize myself falling into old patterns, but I think I need help with this! I even went as far as to look into a narc abuse recovery support group. The closest one is about 30 miles away, but I could use some tools. And I don’t even know if this is exactly what I need. But I need to somehow learn not to walk on eggshells in order to not disrupt other people who are controlling In nature. I’m not doing anything wrong... in fact I twist myself into a million knots to do things right... and it still gets me nowhere. I wouldn’t say I’m codependent with this guy... maybe I’m just too much of an empath which makes me a great target.

Well, those are the musings for this evening.

I don’t know what it is... I’ve been finding myself drawn to the boards more lately. While I really don’t feel like I can offer advice or guidance, I still learn so much from seeing how others navigate these hardships. So, thanks everyone, for sharing your journeys here.