I'm still here FS; watching and learning. Feeling strong and mostly determined. There are still lots of things I'd like to say to him; mostly not nice things, but I can't honestly be bothered with him. Still resent him every morning when I have to walk the dog in the rain so I call him a few choice words under my breath!

Apart from that though, I'm not sure there is any way in which my life has deteriorated with him not here. I'm pretty sure there are improvements. Perhaps its a 'honeymoon' period?? Money will be tight but there will be enough to house, feed and clothe us so we'll be good.

He continues to be a total flake and have let the boys down a few times but I've advised them to lower their expectations. He answered his phone to OW on loud speaker the other day when middle son was helping him load the boot up. Middle son was livid and said he felt totally disrespected. I helped him see the funny side that the relationship with OW is obviously on such solid ground that she was panicked because he had come down here for an hour. He should reassure her that I'm not going to jump his bones.

I do feel for the lads because they are embarrassed about his teenage like behaviour, so we just laugh. I think he's made the effort to see grandson twice since he was born 6 weeks ago. Last visit he took flowers for DIL and a box of chocolates for son. You have to laugh because eldest son is a Type 1 Diabetic and never ever eats chocolate.

I'm doing loads of research into planning a holiday for next year. Happy to go exploring on my own. That's a big thing for me; only ever travelled with someone else for 30 years. Current thoughts are West coast USA in spring, taking in Grand Canyon or East coast USA in the fall and maybe a trip up to Niagra at the same time. He wouldn't have done either of these things so it makes them all the more attractive.

I do still think about him casually most days, but only in a fleeting 'there's a man I used to live with' way. It's 5 months but it feels more like 5 years. I can't remember what it is like to have him here. I so had to give myself a stern talking to asking myself what did I possibly want him for at the moment. Lying, cheating, manipulating, borderline alcoholic with erectile dysfunction? Not really selling it? If he can turn around the first three, there are still other pretty major obstacles for him to overcome. I don't expect him to be able to do those things, or necessarily want to, and once i'd realised that, I was able to drop all expectations. I suppose what I'm saying is that I have reset the bar and it is pretty high. Great if he wants to reach it, but I'm not settling for less. In the first 2 months I would have taken him back at any costs; I promised that i would change and he didn't need to do anything. If I met him for the first time now, I wouldn't entertain him.

I still believe in marriage and in my marriage but I no longer have any expectation that we will fix it. I rather suspect that we won't. And I now know (thanks to DB) that I will be fine.

I'm ashamed of my early behaviour to be honest. But I can't go back and undo it. But then again, he has more to be ashamed of than me.

I've said before that it is so much easier for me because the boys are grown. I know how difficult it is for you when you have younger children. How do you think it will look 3 or 4 years down the line if you were to get divorced? Would he still come by as much as he does or would it be a more formal arrangement? Is there an interim stage that you could move towards in the shorter term? Conversely, you seem to be doing pretty well and if this works for you then exploit it. He's a very important person in the children's lives but to you he's free childcare. (I occasionally use mine as a free dog walker!)

I don't think you should be frightened of doing something because it might reduce the chances of R. You have to be true to yourself.

I take my flat cap off to you FS and all the others on here who have children still at home. It takes so much strength when it's slammed in your face every day.

Nothing wrong with being annoyed at him. Healthy feeling to have towards someone acting like a ****womble.