You are an extraordinarily articulate and strong woman and therefore I know that you know the answer to your question. If he wants to be back in the marriage he'll walk over hot coals and wouldn't let a thing like pride get in his way. Don't make excuses for his lack of commitment (at the moment) and think of lowering your expectations. If he's so dumb that he would put pride before his love for you, then why would you settle for that person. Shouldn't love be selfless at times, not selfish?
I don't know if I can explain it properly but it seems to me (obviously an ignorant outsider) that you are still being 'proactive' in trying to detach. You are still thinking too much about him and what he's doing and thinking. I suspect that detachment only comes when you stop trying to be active to the relationship. The only action should be your lack of action. Not because you don't care, or your being callous or cold, but because you have so much else going on that it's the last thing you want to use your energy on. Let the situation play itself out. Don't try to manipulate it or force it and find that inner peace that is not dependent on him.
For most of us on here, the odds are stacked against repairing the relationship. If you decide a change of tactic and revert to showing him how much you want and need him back, if the relationship doesn't work out I would put money on your mental health and self esteem being in a far worse state than if you continue to DB. We want to be strong if the worst happens, not a gibbering wreck.
If and when he gets a thumping whack across the head and comes to his senses, he can demonstrate a bit of good old fashioned courtship and pursuit, pride or not. You're worth it.
Don't be appalled at his double standards; it's too strong an emotion. Just chuckle at his continuing idiotic behaviour. You know the truth about what a good and selfless parent you are. I can think of some good Northern phrases to describe his behaviour but they would be censored I'm afraid!
